I found this unfinished draft from a couple months ago and it was very interesting to view it from a more healthy standpoint:

“I have watched my life take a turn for the worst. I will not try to make things sound better than they have been. Currently, I cannot see any silver-lining, and it’s as if I am incapable of doing so. I have had to rely on everyone else in my life to provide me with hope, remind me what I love, and help me see past the tip of my nose.”

“So, I say “Hello!” from the rabbit hole. I am not sure who I say hello to, or what purpose it serves, but I will throw out my words into the abyss that lay before me, seeing what it returns.”

“I started anti-depressant medication a bit over a week ago, it’s to treat multiple ailments- anxiety, panic, depression, PTSD and a newly discovered friend OCD (turns out it can pertain to various things). I read up about the medication, Sertraline, and how most people – including my father- experienced their own personal hell for the first few weeks. So, this is where I currently float: a personal hell. Up is down, down is up, and with no end in sight I flail endlessly in this land of horror.”

“I have discovered intrusive thoughts followed by OCD thought cycles as my main nemesis. I wake up most mornings being interrupted immediately by a “what if?” or “should” thought that usually taps into a deep fear of mine. It may be a genuine doubt or concern, but immediately my mind surmises that something must be done about it, or else face indefinite pain and misery. The thing is, most people experience feelings or thoughts of doubt, or about possibilities but can see them as non-harmful thoughts that pass by their mind’s eye. My mind sees them as a threat, as a virus, and plans and concocts what it must do to get rid of the pain it triggered, and do it fast.”

“This makes me fall into an obsessive thinking, mind trap, blowing up the concern- real or not- into something so big, it is as insurmountable as Mount Everest. Yet, my mind treks up the cold tundra alone, getting higher, and higher in altitude, losing air, making thoughts even more wild… This mountain, alas, is created by my mind, and I am simply doing mental aerobics, treading air, and to no end or avail. Once I realize it’s fruitless, and there is no solution in sight, I am already deep into the thought cycle.”

“I have two choices at this point: do some sort of compulsive activity to convince myself I’m okay (this can be with people, too) which will perpetuate the cyclic thinking; or, I can step back and realize I am in need, sit with the uncomfortable thought and let it pass rather than acting on a compulsion (in my case it was often excessive googling of my problems).”

I now sit here, mentally more healthy, and having taken back more control of my life. I have been taking an online course for the type of OCD I struggle with (Relationship OCD, or rOCD), and have been more actively seeking out resources and healthy ways to cope and heal.

Part of me taking more control of my life- and my struggles mainly relationship centric- is learning to stand up for myself in relationships and not tolerate things that have been hurtful or damaging to me. This looks like setting boundaries and healthy expectations for people who want to be close to me and practicing a little self-respect.

This also means breaking the cycles within which I am so fearful of the thoughts of others, and so susceptible to their opinions, that I consistently give all my own power away – thus I lose what makes me, me. I have not realized until this past year how I give the power for my decision making easily into the hands of other people. Usually voluntarily because I am so scared of losing their respect or love. If I agree with them and go along with everything, I won’t mess up this relationship, and I will remain in their affections… maybe they will love and appreciate me more.

With this defense mechanism that keeps people from truly knowing me and being vulnerable, I started to be driven to anxious extremes where my mind and then body was crying out to me and trying to signal that something needed attention, but I wasn’t listening. I was too scared of losing love and acceptance from others… even though I know for me, a lot of this can be traced back to trauma (as it was something subconsciously done), but it is at it’s core selfish. Love only occurs between any two people when each allows the other to see their true self.

I realize that I do this thing I’ll call mirroring. I mirror to the other person what I think they want to see, or even start to look like them in some ways, even if it’s not me at all. This causes a rift in my mind, and I begin to lose touch with my own needs, and my mind is only centered around the other person’s. My brain rationalizes it as being “selfless”, but really if I am hiding hurt, pain, or even irritation from someone it is not only disingenuous, but it is cruel because only resentment grows for them under a veneer of false “love”.

I have also realized in these past few months parts of my relationships with those around me are in need of repair, and as I see them repairing, I reach more soundness of mind as a result. Probably one of the biggest healing relationships for me has been with my mom. We have reconciled a lot of the unhealthy and broken parts of our relationship in the last year and have reached new levels of trust and friendship as we navigate our relationship – adult daughter and mother. Her support and validation of my feelings and choices, without a speck of judgement, has been one of the most healing things I have experienced. I notice things begin to align in my mind that have been out of place or broken for years… I don’t feel at the mercy of her expectations, but I just feel supported and loved.

I have a few more relationships on the list – with which I need to forgive, or ask forgiveness, or actively work out that reconciliation – and I am curious the rifts that will close when these occur. I am also looking forward to meeting “me”, the truer “me” that hides behind the will of other people. The “me” that God formed in my mother’s womb, and created to do amazing things for him that only I can do.

I realize, however, that I am not me without the people around me who love me… I can only become the truer “me” when I open up to love others, and be loved truly – disrupting my constructed paradigms.

Note: I want to say that I hear a lot of speculation about “mental health”. I will say that unless you have experienced issues here, it is hard to understand. I don’t place it in importance above or below physical health issues… I see the body as a whole: mental, physical, spiritual. Mental health issues specifically refer to disorders occurring in the brain – which is an organ (so it could be contended that mental health is actually also under the physical health umbrella).

I think what trips people up is that treatment of mental health issues is largely subjective. Some people just need to talk things out to fix an issue occurring in their brain (such as if they are experiencing high levels of stress, which causes an imbalance in certain hormones and chemical functions). Psychology is a confounding practice, in my opinion, because the psychologist is essentially using techniques by way of questions, visualization, exercises, to “operate” on the abstract thing that is the mind – but changes are occurring in the physical organ in the brain if the treatment works. One thing I have noticed is that treatment is often only effective with a therapist if the patient is all in, and truly opens up and is vulnerable with the therapist. So really, it’s borrowing the wisdom and friendship (although it remains in the room) of another human.

Other patients will need to take medications that alters their brains chemical state in an effort to bring it back to a functional state. Some return to a “normal” after a few short months, and some are on medication for the remainder of their lives. Some people have such an imbalance or damage that they need to receive experimental treatments.

All aspects of our health can and usually do affect the other: chronic illness usually contributes to fatigue, then to depression/anxiety, then to disconnection with self and others (let’s call that spiritual health). Enter in on any one of these aspects and it’s the same: you are depressed/stressed, this leads to fatigue and lack of care for body, which can lead to chronic pains or sickness, and then disconnection. Or, you are disconnected with someone, this causes you to be depressed, thus your physical health goes down the drain.

If you are struggling to forgive or reconcile in relationships, a resource that was very helpful and insight was the book Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair With Punishment by Danny Silk. I don’t endorse the teaching of Bethel Ministries, but this book is sound and I recommend it!

-Bethany