Anxious Anne

I am honored to feature Hannah Carson in this second in the artist interview series. Last time, I interviewed Singer-Songwriter (and occasional play actor) Donrico De Castro. (Go to that interview by clicking here) I am lucky to call her a friend.

We met in the middle of nowhere Japan in the summer of 2017 and were instant friends who felt a sense of sisterly love between us. I included a few pictures from our adventures throughout this blog! She is one of the most honest, brilliant, and confident people I know. However, it was significant for me to hear about her journey from hiding her true self from others to starting to experience the freedom of being vulnerable, especially as seen through her new art series.

We started with an interview and then went on to analyze the pieces in her series. I did my best to transcribe the interview, which, due to our established friendship and bantering, took over two hours! I paraphrased some parts, but did my best to capture her personality and nuance in her language. My comments and questions are italicized.

And now for the interview exploring the intersection of art, faith, and mental health…

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A Farm Girl and Her Polyglot Dreams

Please introduce yourself.

My name is Hannah Carson, and I am from Northern California, but I have also lived in New Hampshire before I came out to Southern California for school. I graduated from Biola University with a degree in Computer Science, and I am now working at Fuller Seminary as a Front End Web Developer. I am mostly interested in the design aspect of developing and management. We’ll see what God does with that down the road.

Growing up in Northern California and then moving to East L.A. has been a huge change. I grew up on 20 acres of land surrounded by nature with animals of every kind. My family bred dogs as their business. I was also homeschooled, so I was able to experience all of those things. Coming to East LA was different, but, coming up on my fifth year here, I am starting to develop more of a heart and compassion for it, although maybe not a love.

I love language learning. I taught myself Japanese. I am working on beginning Korean and I would eventually like to learn Chinese and Swiss-German.

So you wanna become a Polyglot?

Yes, absolutely 100%.

It takes a special person to do that. I remember one time I tried to work on my Spanish and Japanese at the same time, and I got such a big headache.

Especially when I’ve been trying to learn Korean and Japanese (which are grammatically similar), I keep mixing up the languages.

I appreciate the freedom you have with it. I am currently in a stage where I am getting anxious just looking at my Japanese books on the shelf. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that I just burn out, instead of just having a curious attitude with language learning. I have noticed with you and others: that the best language learners don’t mind being like children. Having that beginner’s mind is the best quality.

Thank you so much. That’s a huge compliment. You have to have a certain humility to have that curiosity.

How did learning Japanese start for you?

It didn’t have a particularly sexy beginning. I was homeschooled my whole life. So, I had a lot of time on my hands and was a weeb. (For those unaware, a weeb, or weeaboo, is a slightly derogatory term for  huge fans of Japanese pop culture: anime, fashion, music,etc.) So, in order to feed that, and procrastinate on my PreCalculus homework, I taught myself Japanese. I found that language learning calmed my mind.

Then I got to college, and I thought “I should do something useful and grown-up with this”. Soon after, I got connected with a club on campus–a Japanese culture and ministry club. I was so taken aback by the way they worshipped, meeting Japanese people for the first time, and hearing their testimonies. I quickly got involved in a Japanese church. I developed a heart for them, but also appreciated their unique perspective on the Gospel. I think this really fueled my language learning.

Okay, tell us some more about yourself. Favorite food, maybe?

I love sugar. But I really love meat. I think meat is my favorite.

Next time you come around, we are definitely going to a Korean BBQ place.

Girl, I can hook you up for all the best Korean BBQ places.

Cathartic Chat Rooms and Tan Sketchbooks

When did you start becoming passionate about art?

This is an interesting question because I don’t know if I ever developed a passion for creating art. It was something that I ended up doing in my free time if I wanted to or needed to vent. It wasn’t something I was consistent with. I think I am more interested in art in general and its influence on society and how we think. And also how we relate and tell stories. I was always so fascinated with movies and read more books than I could count growing up. Stories told through art reach the core of people more than anything else can. Art is also reflective of the state of either the environment that the artists are living in or themselves. So it is interesting for me to look at art throughout the ages. It can show you in ways that historical documents can’t.

To be honest I didn’t start drawing until I was about 13 years old. I had a lot of contempt for art: I saw myself as rational and art was superficial and unnecessary. I think I discovered a talent for it when I first started tracing characters out of a manga. I was bored, but it was fun. One time I didn’t have the manga, and I freedrew it and thought it wasn’t bad. I wasn’t amazing right away, but after getting a lot of feedback I was able to grow.

When did you discover you had a talent for drawing?

I discovered a great group of Christian artists and manga lovers when I was 14. Both writing and art. They all really encouraged constructive critique.

What did art mean to you earlier in your life? You said art seemed silly in your earlier life, but once you started drawing, what did it mean or what place did it have in your life and in your growth as a person?

It’s kind of two-fold. One was the community I found around me on that site. It was really kind of a pivotal point in my life. I eventually ended up living with one of my friends and her family I met on that site. Now they are basically my other family.

Which is totally necessary for art.

My home life was very chaotic. When anyone spoke, their words would be so scrutinized. Did my words convey a perfectly accurate and complete representation? Could they imply emotions or motivations that should not be there? Were they rash or not fully thought through? 

I didn’t want to show a lot of emotion when I spoke because all my motivations would be questioned, and I didn’t know how to answer those questions. But if I vented through art, my parents wouldn’t understand or question it. Art became a safe place for me to process things out without fear of being under scrutiny. The online community was a safe space where my friends listened to the story of my art, and sought to understand rather than to interrogate or accuse.

That was me in writing, I was a little younger than you but around the same age, when I started carrying around a notebook everywhere. I would usually write poetry. But it was different with words because I couldn’t just show it to my mom, because she would know what it was about. That is what is different about art. Unless you know the person or get an explanation, you don’t know it’s exact meaning. That’s what I like about art. It wasn’t until my later years, my early adult years, I started to do yearly “vision” paintings. I was usually the subject of the piece, me or an alter-ego. That became a healing and safe place. I also started to draw when I couldn’t express ways I was feeling in words. I know as artists we can get “backed up” if we aren’t making something to express or embody what we are going through.

Like you mentioned, you can touch things with visual art that are harder with words. It’s really helpful to be able to express emotions through words as well, though. I found that when I am able to put words to a feeling or an experience, it encourages others who have had that same experience but weren’t sure how to to put words to what they are feeling. But, there definitely is something cathartic for me about being able to see it in an image or symbol.

Songs can also be cryptic. When I put the words on the page, it becomes something tangible and distances the emotion or stressful thing from me.

When did you settle on a medium? Or what is your medium of choice?

I can’t paint because paints are really messy and there is no undo. I am a perfectionist and I really like having an undo button. Which means I have immense respect for painters, but I can’t do it myself. My medium of choice is two things: pencil, pen, and copic markers on a tan sketchbook, or I do digital art, which is the art that I currently have on display at my church gallery.

So your series was completely digital from its beginnings, you didn’t sketch it first?

Yes.

Do you use a Surface, or digital slate to draw?

I would love to use an iPad eventually; but currently, I use an very old Wacom tablet that is half broken, but it works so it’s okay! It still works if I put a pin under it! I use that and plug it into my computer.

I have noticed a lot of people  do that for the ease of sharing. You don’t have to try to get the color and aspect ratio correct when scanning.

Absolutely. Makes life a lot easier.

And a lot of the gadgets nowadays feel like paper. I almost don’t see the point of paper anymore unless you are just sketching.

What does art mean to you presently?

Life has is a bit more comfortable right now, so I don’t draw as much to vent these days. Which is why I don’t draw as much at all. But it is still a way for me to be honest about what I am experiencing. I think I’ve gotten to the point that I am coherent and eloquent with words. I am comfortable with words. I don’t feel like I’ve mastered art in the way I’ve mastered words, if that makes sense. Almost because of this, because there is much I lack as an artist, it forces me to show imperfection in my art. There is a unique vulnerability and uncomfortability that comes with art. But not just to be vulnerable, but to reflect on the world around me and capture the way I see things. I think that each of us as artists reflect a different facet of God and His creation and different facets in which God sees the world. A lot of the pieces that have meant the most to me are kind of painful in their content. But I think as I am growing and as God is working in me that I want to get to the place where I create things that are really real and deep and are a reflection of Him and the world he has created and the intricacy of that. One day my vulnerability will go beyond expressing pain and instead reveal my experience of His glory and beauty.

It seems like you are coming to a new place for art.

I think so. This last series of mine is a real transition point. It’s like I needed to get it out there so I can begin creating things from a different perspective.

The Creator and His Beloved Creature

When did you begin your journey with Christ?

I was born into a Christian family, and I’ve been Christian all of my life. Looking back, there is such a strong sense of God being present and working in crazy ways in my life. But I had an attitude of ‘ well, I’m a child of God, and I am just going to bear whatever He throws at me because that is what good Christians do. So I just get pulled along on whatever leash He has me on. I think that persistence is a good quality in itself-

Yea, but that attitude savors of bitterness.

Yea, just a little bit (*ironic tone*). I really think it’s been in the past three-ish years that I transitioned to pursuit and love of God. My perspective has shifted a lot to looking at God rather than being drug around by Him. It has been so freeing and so good, BUT SO FRUSTRATING! But good. I am seeing myself differently, but also seeing Him differently.

It sounds like you are seeing him more as a person and your loving Father in Heaven instead of a force dragging you around. It is the temptation of Christians to make God this force to tap into. But when He is a person, you know, just with any relationship with any person, it’s not going to be cut and dry or cruise, there is going to be challenges and growth. Times of feeling detached, times of feeling in tune with each other. That’s one thing I have grown in, seeing God’s personhood. I don’t need to pine away and beg for things to some impersonal force. He is just a person.

We get the privilege to engage with that human side of Him. Jesus is fully man and fully God.

What do you think is the purpose of art? From a Christian perspective, with God being our creator and ruler.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and spoke the universe into existence. Look at all the intricacy and absurdity. Just look at any of the deep sea creatures, you think the God who created this must have a twisted, messed up sense of humor. But the things that He created are so detailed and work together perfectly and are beautiful. We look at anything in the natural world, we recognize that beauty, and naturally respond to it. C.S. Lewis has a really good commentary on beauty in the Abolition of Man. People say beauty is subjective, but because what God made was good, made in the image of the Creator, there is an objective beauty in His created things. God is so multi-faceted and we are limited, our perception of beauty will always be limited and subjective. There are a lot of things I will see the beauty in, but others won’t and vice versa. It’s just that God has allowed us each a unique type of vision.

Ultimately, we were made to worship him. If you go through Psalm 8, “Oh Lord, oh Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth” we are created to enjoy creativity and beautiful things, and to worship God, the Creator. I don’t know what your experience has been like, but recently the act of worship has become so important to me. We were made in his image. As His sons and daughters we want to imitate our Father. Innately in us, we are made to create in His image.

Some say that true beauty is only found in the natural world, that fantasy or anything outside of reality is wrong somehow. But the act of creation means to make something new and different.  God has given us so much to create – stories, fantasy worlds… not outside of God but as a part of what we were created to be. I think that creating and acknowledging and admiring and wrestling with what humans have created is such an innate part of the human experience. A part of every culture historically, well, except the Mongols. (*Mutual laughter*)

I think that people without knowing it, really, are doing what they were created to do: create. They created because God has imprinted that ability on them as his created ones. The only thing I was thinking about in response to that. However, I noticed that there are distortions. A person can function as a created one, creating something, but their motive can be questionable or can not be glorifying to God.

That’s another thing. There is a place for abstract art. If you look at clouds, they are absolutely beautiful even though they don’t have much form or story, but God created them. But if in our own art, if chaotic formlessness is not placed in the right context, it can be a better descriptor of evil than good. I used to think abstract art was bad, which is not a wise way to look at it. Art often depicts things that are not “nice” or comfortable. But that doesn’t mean it is without value. One of the pictures in my series is nude, but it is not an image of sexuality or lust… and not everyone can see that. To develop that eye, you have to spend time with art, humble yourself and be curious.

That is such a great point.

Yea, one of my pieces in the series is really dark and violent, which is why I didn’t want to present without the other images. But it’s still important to the overall context of the story being told. That’s what I really appreciate about your songs. The meaning is very potent. They tap into experiences that are awkward and hard to talk about. There is a lot of chaos and bad stuff in there, but that’s just life. When it’s in the context of “this is what I am experiencing, I am in this in between place”. You are providing people with the tools to name and encounter it.

I usually include anecdotes between songs to explain them. A lot of it centers around growth. I am really into showing process. I think your series which we will dive into later also shows that process. People simplify emotions, people think of joy as “happy”, but joy is so much more complex than that. Just like in your series, the last piece really does depict a sort of joy even though it is slightly violent or painful. I have realized how intertwined joy and suffering are.

There is a band that I highly recommend to you, called Half Alive. A lot of their songs are about being in the inbetween and walking on that line. There is one song that’s been like my mantra called “Creature” and it really accompanies the series I drew well. It talks about being in this process, even when you don’t really have the answers.

Said song:

How has your faith influenced your art and possibly vice versa?

For a really long time, I was deeply frustrated with myself, because I couldn’t create a piece that felt Christian enough. This series is the first time I have really incorporated my faith in my art. I realize I just wasn’t mature enough to do that, and was struggling a lot with my faith before. I wasn’t mature to the point where I could put it into art.

Also, not every image needs to have Jesus plastered all over it. It can still be glorifying to God if you are just describing your experience at the time or expressing your creativity. It doesn’t have to be branded with the signature of the cross.

Oh, don’t get me started on the whole secular vs. Christian music/art debate!

Oh, no, we will talk for hours.

So, I am really glad I was patient with myself in creating this piece that first incorporates my faith. There is something really striking about the last piece. I wanted to share that with people. In my faith, in order to be in the mental space to draw… I can’t draw if I am too proud or feel like I need to prove something. I have to go through a mental reset. Sometimes it takes moments of extreme emotional distress to be able to create and not care about perfection anymore. Not having it all planned out and just draw. It’s very easy to fall into “I can manage everything” mindset. I am a strong, independent woman. Which is true. But everytime I come to art with that mindset, I can’t draw well. It’s been very humbling, but a good check. Now I check and sometimes pray before I start drawing. It shows me how I need to be praying.

Yea sometimes I create something thinking it’s so great and am prideful about it or prove something. I listen to it later and hate it or it’s not very good. What I thought of when you were talking, I have this feeling sometimes when I am writing music, it’s hard sometimes because if it’s a difficult emotion or memory – I have to surrender to it: okay, God, me and you, let’s explore this thing going on right now. I don’t know what exactly is going on in this brain of mine. But let’s just put pen to paper or piano and see what happens. It also helps me not to fall into a sort of pity party when I invite God into it, “God, let’s turn these ashes into beauty. Something that glorifies you.” It gives the song more purpose, rather than just about me. Even if it’s vulnerable, or not using “clean” imagery – it’s vivid and sometimes violent as I communicate the process. I think as Christians the process of sanctification can feel violent. I saw that in your pieces for sure.

Strong, Independent, Yet Completely Helpless

If you are comfortable, share some of your journey with mental health. Give us a little insight into the mind that is Hannah Carson.

Although professionals have given their opinion, I have not received an official diagnosis. I am cautious of getting an official diagnosis because if I wanted to work in a country not as understanding of mental health, like Japan, I don’t want that to be a barrier.

I’ve dealt with a few things, particularly anxiety and depression – which is a lovely combination. Anxiety says “you have to do all the things!” But depression says “you can’t do any of the things.”

My mental health really started crashing when I was around 10 or 11. My early teen years were really dark. I think there was a period of at least 2 years where I lost my sense of empathy towards people.  I have a lot of insight in people and their motivation. I’ve had it since I was a young girl. And when you have that skill, if you take away empathy, it becomes really dangerous. It was a very dark place, and the way I saw people was very dark. I didn’t really have any resources to help me until I joined that online community I mentioned earlier.

I also developed an eating disorder around that time. I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want them to think that it was about my looks or to lose weight. I didn’t want them to think I was vain and I felt like they wouldn’t believe me if I said it was for other reasons. I lost a lot of weight within two months. I hated eating and could hardly bring myself to eat. There was this weird sense of control I felt, especially because I couldn’t control anything else that was going on. I really felt lost and craved darkness. I hid in the bathroom and my closet a lot because I preferred dark spaces. Being a teenager is hard! Your hormones are shifting, and I had a hard time handling it. So, I could choose not to eat, and it gave me a sense of control.

Connecting with that online Christian Manga community was instrumental in my getting better. People would tell me, “You should eat more.” And “That sounds like depression.” They gave words to things I was experiencing but didn’t understand and couldn’t communicate. Once I got to college, I started to process through a lot of those things. It’s been a weird, rough journey for sure. College is weird because even though you are busy and growing with all these new experiences, you don’t have that time to process and understand it. Now that I’ve graduated, I have time to reflect on it.

This art series really illustrates that process of growth and journey in the last year, my final year of college.

What has art meant to you as you work towards healing?

It’s been really good for me to look at something and see it is concrete and real. Especially with mental health, I could have one good day that will make all the bad days seem unreal and invalid. “See? Nothing’s actually wrong” my brain says. So, for me to see it in art form, I can remind myself, “I was there. It’s real. It did happen.” It’s been very cathartic. It’s also helped me to recognize that God was there too and helped me through it and I can grow. 

If I didn’t do that, then I would lose a sense of what God has brought me through. If I constantly invalidate my experiences and ignore my brokenness I can’t grow.

Yea, I’ve been really thinking about how invalidating someone else’s or your own emotions can really stunt your own growth. I see my own stuff as I’ve written as monuments of what God did.

Yes, that’s exactly it. That’s exactly what these pieces are. 

Having to look my struggles with mental health in the face and acknowledge them for what they are has made me realize how powerless I am to deal with this. I can’t just decide to not be depressed. Some days it takes a team of people to help me before I can get up and go to the grocery store. Even simple things can be hard for me, and I’ll get overwhelmed. I can handle hard and big things well – I am going to Japan tomorrow. But, the small things are hard, and get frustrating.

I will never be able to do enough to satisfy my anxiety. And I will never have enough peace to satisfy my depression. I will never eat enough to stop being hungry. When I look at that and realize how helpless I am, it causes me to self-destruct a bit. And that’s what the second piece in the series is about. It sucks. I am strong, independent, and have seen more than most people have my age; I have led a strange, and tough, but good life; I’m very competent and capable and well-spoken and beautiful, too – it’s easy for me to think I should then be able to handle myself and manage life. But I am so wholly incapable that it’s not uncommon for me to feel a sense of deep frustration and loathing for myself and my failings. However, if you are a Christian, you realize you can’t do anything of your own power; you are completely insufficient. But God can and does.

There is so much grace in that. I can look at my insufficiencies in the face and implode, but there is still grace and healing that comes. That has been something that has changed who I thought God was, because there was finally space for Him. Since I felt so immobilized by my mental health, I really don’t think I would have the same relationship with God if I didn’t confront these things. Some days I’m like, “I can’t do laundry today, God, sorry! I can’t even get out of my bed.” And even if I can’t, there is grace for that.

“When Her Eyes Grew In” Art Series

Today you are going to share an art series that is going to be exhibited in your church’s art gallery. Let’s go through each piece.

“IDK”

I created this when I was around 14. This was my first fully digital piece. I had this as the background on the computer for a while. I think this was one of the first pieces of vent art that I developed. I had a few others in my sketchbook, but I think they were too vulnerable for me to finish out. I was worried my parents would understand those. I had a really hard time making it look like the girl in the middle was falling, and you can see that she is partially transparent. I would actually like to hear your first thoughts on these pieces as we look at them.

My first impression was that the girl in the center was the true self, and the others on the outside were facades that she is showing the world.

Yes, exactly. The inner self is almost fading away and becoming nothing. I wanted to make all of the outer expressions extreme, so people would feel almost off-put by them. I was bummed that I didn’t quite capture that aspect, but I think the message still got across.The circle shows the never ending cycle. I recorded these faces and the responses I would give that I thought people wanted to see. I’ve been told I am good at “mirroring”: showing people what I think they wanted to see. I got really good at that. We all struggle with our identity in our teen years… but people in my life really only saw what they wanted to. It wasn’t until I got into that online community that people started to listen my truer self more.

Is there a purpose for the bottom two faces being unclothed?

If I remember correctly, it was revealing what looks to be certain levels of vulnerability. People trust the appearance of vulnerability, so I used that as a distraction from how I actually felt often. You can see that the facial expressions are softer. But, it’s still hiding the truer self.

What about the flower?

I just used that to show they were all the same person.

“Process One” This one was the first one from the new series, in 2019.

This was a response to what someone who knew me pretty well had said to me, “I was transparent, but not vulnerable.” They had gotten to know me, and said I was exactly the same as I was on the surface. The character like in IDK is still trapped in that globe, that cycle, that circle. But, this time all of the other faces and expressions are gone and it’s just me. If you look at her stance, it’s very much in defense mode, almost supporting the glass dome. The thing about this series that I would like for you to pay attention to, which relates to the theme of my church’s gallery “A Sight for Sore Eyes” (this series will be displayed there), if you look you can see that her eyes are almost inverted. She has a white pupil and a black surround.

Is that symbolic of not seeing things as they are? Like her vision is reversed?

There is this fairytale about a glass thing that broke and scattered across the earth, a tainted and evil thing. A girl and a boy were walking and the boy caught a shard in his eye. It made him see things that were beautiful as ugly. So when the girl gave him a rose, he got angry at her wondering why she would give him something so ugly. So, similarly, I think with this character, her vision is severely distorted.

If you think of it as reversed, perhaps she isn’t able to see past the chaos inside of her to reality. Her eyes look inverted.

You will also notice that this piece is almost grayscale.

I noticed it was almost stale and lifeless, as if you were just a doll. I didn’t know that “IDK” was an earlier piece. This piece, though, looks more like a snow globe. It’s more lifelike and three dimensional compared to “IDK”, which is probably just because of an increase in your skill. Yea haha. She also seems more solid and isn’t transparent anymore. I think people could interpret it differently, like being watched while stuck in a bubble, but I think the eyes will make them curious about the actual meaning. Also the stance is eye-catching.

So, this one is very loaded for sure. The intensity of the darkness is clearer here for sure. I had started to look my mental health in the face, that I wasn’t as pretty and pure as I’d like people to see. I think at that time it was really necessary to look that darkness straight in the face. I had some violent frustration with myself. But still trying to preserve what I had built up.

The character definitely almost looks evil, like she is staring something down, or going to attack.

“Process Two”

In this piece, as you’ve mentioned, there is more color and life. And it’s different from the last where she looked like she was ready to attack.

Yes, the last piece was very defensive, and even condescending. But this piece was initially inspired by something a mentor figure of mine said. “It’s ok to be angry at God. He’s the God of the universe. He can take it”. Somehow that had felt so wrong and disrespectful to ever be angry at God. But after an incredibly painful breakup, the spell was broken and 22 years worth of pain and anger was thrown at God, and in the midst of that, I realized the anger I carry toward myself.

In this piece there is obvious anger. So, why is she floating?

I think it’s because being overcome not even by her own power, but there are a lot of forces in her and around her. She is not on the ground defending anymore, but has lost touch with that. As the glass is beginning to shatter, she picks up some of the shards to hurt herself. Even though the glass must shatter for her to be free, she initially has very self-destructive tendencies. And if you notice, the blood is starting to taint the clothes that are being stripped away. This, to me, is definitely the heaviest piece. There really isn’t much good about this except that color is starting to come back, and the glass is starting to shatter. So that’s good. Her clothes are being torn, and sort of comes across in a more sexual and aggressive way in this image. But, I think this is the starting place for hope, but you cannot see that until the next piece. This is hard to look at for me because of how dark it is.

What’s interesting to me is that the scheme changes from browns and ashy gray, to now it looks like the orb is in a sort of spotlight almost as if on stage. It’s more lit up inside. Was this intentional to focus in on and highlight it?

Partly. The whole series is done is a globe and transparency for all to see. But, on a practical level, I wanted it to be clear this was a globe, so the main reason for the glow was to highlight the shape of the globe. But, it also helped with the transition.

Yea, sometimes transitions are purely aesthetic choices.

In this piece, she has multiple arms, almost like there are multiple persons – which reminds me of the first piece. They are all her, but they are not. So I think it’s interesting you are reintroducing the element of multiple you’s, but this time they are not protecting her but turning in on her and hurting her. So I think that’s a stark contrast.

Even though there is a sense of power, all of the power is directed inward.

It made me think of those old ancient portraits of goddesses, sort of like Krishna. It has this powerful aura in that way. But all that power is self-destructive. I really like this because it brings in that element of sanctification. It’s so distorted in folk Christianity which says that once you accept Jesus your life will be great. But, in reality a lot of the people that followed Jesus in the Bible were martyred, persecuted, and anyone throughout the Bible who submitted to God had their host of issues. What I love about the Bible is that it doesn’t hide those, and I think that’s very important. Especially as artists. Our process, sanctification, a painful process, we have an underlying hope. That’s what I love about this piece. Peace as shalom often had to be brought about in the Bible by a violent force. I think as Christians, that violent process often happens through sanctification as we give things up to him. I love this piece.

Despite the darkness, there is definitely something comforting about this piece for me because it was the starting place for hope. Really coming face to face with it and realizing how evil and destructive it is and it’s who I’ve been. I still feel this way sometimes. I don’t really express the level of fury that comes with it, or know how, but I feel it and recognize it. But I know that it is part of the larger picture that is for my good but God’s glory, too.

There is definitely that hope that we are being made new through all these things. Sometimes as I am going through something, I often pray, “If this is what it takes for me to give up this thing to you, and die to parts of myself that you will be glorified. Then so be it.” That’s why often the book of James is a comfort for me. Pain has more of a purpose as Christians. Not just for growth, but our life is unfolding and becoming a testimony of God’s goodness.

So, another thing. Her clothes are also being stripped off. What was the purpose of this?

For me, I grew up in a very strict Christian community where modesty was extreme. I couldn’t wear sleeveless shirts, pants, jewelry, makeup, etc. The way we dressed was very conservative. I think for a lot of people that desire for modesty is well intended. But for me it was not. It became a sense of self-righteousness. Like, “I have it together.” So that prideful “modesty” of the first character needed to be stripped away. Modesty boasted what kind of Christian I was, that I was holy and pure and better than you. That sort of pride and arrogance needed to be stripped away. I think there is some body image stuff that goes into the series as well. I didn’t have the same body issues as people growing up, I wasn’t exposed to the kinds of marketing that sets unrealistic beauty standards enough. (And for this, I’m incredibly thankful to my parents) On the flip side, I didn’t see a place that the beauty of the female body was valued either. Feminine beauty was discouraged as it was seen as something merely to allure boys. And in my community, sex was often talked of in a hush hush way as scary and evil. That certainly didn’t help me keep from sexual sin as I eventually fell into a porn addiction. I wore that “modesty” as a badge, like I’m better than other women, but didn’t see any healthy representations of the female body. Beauty as a woman was not addressed healthfully for me growing up.

“Process Three”

The naked figure in the third image is two-fold. Part of it is like the whole “naked I come from my mother’s womb, naked I return.” There is nothing else there to cover her; it has all become rags. Her rags are dirty and cannot be worn anymore. All there is is the healing light of God. Some of it has to do with a redemption of the body. As the self-righteousness strips away, and I see all of the past frustrations with my sexuality that needed to be exposed but then stripped away. There is nothing really sexual with this figure because the body is completely surrendered. She is open and letting go, rather than this lust for power and control that comes from the second figure.

I think this is so beautiful. I keep looking at it. The surrendered position is pretty evident, the glass is broken, but there is no self-harm happening. There is still bleeding happening.

Yes, but I’ve let go.

Yea, now the healing is happening, because you aren’t pushing shards into your skin.

I should clarify that this image doesn’t have to do with self-harm, I’ve never had that issue. I just want to get that out there.

I think what’s interesting is the putting in of the eyes: it’s peaceful. That is something that would be painful, like a surgical process. The light that is lighting her is coming from above, from the hands of God. She is completely at ease, almost like she is getting a massage. What I think is great about this image, is that the process is shown even in this image alone. You can see there was a struggle, and there is evidence of things there all around. It looks like remnants of a battle. Ending with that total surrender and God putting in those eyes. When God is putting in those eyes, what does that mean in your journey? What are the eyes he has given you?

The eyes thing has been a motif in my art for a long time. A lot of the figures in my sketchbook have had the reverse eyes, even if they weren’t as angry or violent as this series. I even have some writing about this eye motif. In this piece, I was thinking about when Jesus heals the man’s eyes, and there was the two step process. He spat in the dirt and rubbed it in his eyes. The first time he could see people like they were trees, and then the second time he could see clearly. That’s similar to the image here in this series. This process is really beginning here, though the sight has not fully healed.

For me, this has changed for me as I have started to engage more with the spiritual gifts. I am usually pretty skeptical. These things are not up my alley, I am not a touchy feely person. But I’ve become more open and seeing God working in my life and in my family, too. Also, the way that I see people and relationships and myself is starting to shift pretty quickly. In the way I love people, but also myself, and see God’s love for me. I am so frustrated because I see how much I grow and am not where I want to be, but God has responded with grace after grace after grace. This has allowed me to have more grace towards myself. Being able to see how God responded and showed his goodness to me, even in spite of my being like that. He is in the process of healing me in a pretty crazy way. God is so good! He is so tender and loving and patient. He is not like that annoying boyfriend/girlfriend that tries to make you perfect, He just waits patiently. He is such a good Father and lover of our soul.

As artists, whatever you believe about the spiritual gifts, I think it is obvious that each of us has a gift. There is then a sense of responsibility to use those gifts to build others up and spur others on towards Christ through use of these gifts. I am really proud of you for tapping more into those skills that God has given to you. It’s definitely humbling because there is a sense of obedience needed there. I am hoping to hear a bit more about your process and journey when you come back from Japan.

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Thank you so much, Hannah, for sharing your beautiful story and testimony of God’s grace and the painful, yet freeing process of sanctification. Your art series is truly an inspiration and reflects the beauty and grace of our God despite our sinfulness and selfishness. You are such an encouragement and thanks for sharing your gift!

Please, everyone, say a prayer for Hannah. She is in Japan right now – she left before the pandemic. It is looking like she will need to find a job.

-Anxious Anne