I am really good at coming up with ideas. As a small child, I would fill notebooks with drawings of ideas for clothing, brands, inventions, novel plots, and new worlds. However, nothing really came of any of any of those ideas, I simply kept them in the notebook all shut up. They began to collect dust on the shelf.
I do remember one instance where one of my weird, but complex ideas was put to use. It was seventh or eighth grade, and as a part of a history project, we were to create our own country with it’s own language. I dusted off one of those notebooks within which I had created a people and language, called Navi. (This was way before Avatar came out, so I have concluded my idea stolen hahaha; JK, it never saw light of day from it’s inception at 8 years old until middle school). It was really just a code I had created during my spy phase in late childhood. I even wrote in it fluently in my journals so no one could read my inner most thoughts. I proudly, yet somewhat shyly presented my country. Although everyone was impressed at the detail, of course, it wasn’t as significant as in my eyes. After that, however, the language and thought was less special in my eyes because it was no longer secret. It was no longer my secret little language. I don’t know what there is to that story… maybe just that I have been reluctant to bring my ideas to fruition because I want them to stay ideal – a perfect image in my mind, untainted by reality.
I feel like so many times, I have reached the edge of that new venture, where there was a lot of uncertainty, pumped up with ideas and strategies, and yet something like this happens:
I thought of this clip when I started formulating this blog post in my head. So that anxiety that Mr. Bean felt, and the feeling of everyone watching, is usually something I face when I want to try a new thing that I know will take a lot of courage, persistence, and time. I gleefully see the opportunity and walk up with a sense of excitement; but, once I reach the top and see the view from there, every attempt to leap seems to fail. This new opportunity becomes an illusion, yet I feel I can’t return to where I was… so where to go but nowhere. At least I know what that looks like.
I realize that one does not have to deal with anxiety or the like to experience this. Most people do at some point. However, I have seen this as a trend in my life and it has grown in that sometimes I dread and am anxious to do simple things if they haven’t been done before.
Most of the human population live within the bubble of the familiar, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily if you are one who prefers that predictability. Those dependable, seemingly predictable people are probably needed in society. However, I am not one of those people who long for that predictability. I want adventure and I want to be challenged. The anxiety and OCD that I have dealt with – usually keeping me from taking risks or trying to make things perfect before I risk – really has strangled that inborn desire for adventure. I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to sit back where it was safe or where I didn’t need to be pushed or anything really expected of me. I didn’t want to fail because failure meant becoming vulnerable.
Photo from wandering around in Japan. Traveling to Japan alone was one of the biggest risks I have taken thus far!
There are some things that I realize are beginning to bite me back. I was a very good student throughout my whole life. However, what I thought was a love for learning many times was a desire for validation from my teacher and peers for the marks I received. I was working to get that grade, rather than simply enjoy the material, and take risks in the ideas and questions I put forth. I only raised my hand when I thought my comment or question was perfect, rather than because I was genuinely curious and didn’t care to look a fool. I think near the end of college, I started taking more risks in my essays, and that was when I started failing epically for the first time.
I did take some risks, but usually they were more calculated and safe than one might think. I am not being hard on myself, I think this is all just a part of growth for my story. I am just starting to notice these parts of me that need to wake up if I want to live the kind of life I want to and make the impact I desire.
As I started getting treatment through therapy starting back in 2017, I noticed my ability to have courage and take risks started to increase incrementally. After I emerged from a sort of cocoon phase, I started sharing my music to the public for the first time and doing shows. However, hardship hit again and I seemingly shrunk back into the cocoon.
I have always thought of that as negative. Now, as I am thinking about that analogy, this is not a bad thing. Shrinking back into the cocoon can be seen as a new opportunity to evolve, develop, and grow into something even more beautiful and great. I may not be leaping wildly off into the unknown at present, but I am busy honing in on what needs growth while inside my cocoon. I am at a restful, yet busy phase while in this cocoon.
Thank you for reading this stream-of-thought style post!
There is this American things, well, maybe it’s not just American, but we are all about taking risks, following your dreams, and listening to your “gut”. There are many problems with this for the average Jane or Joe, but these issues compound when clinical anxiety, depression, PTSD, or the like is present.
The first issue is that following your “gut” avoids calculating risk, effects of the action in the long term, or seeing it’s effect with a wider lens. It is making a decision based on what ultimately suits you or follows the emotional beckoning of the moment.
I think the only times following your “gut” is reasonable is when you are in a situation where you realize danger and need to be only your guard or need to run away. That is just it, though, the gut usually is directly tied to our brain’s “fight or flight” mechanism – usually manifesting as panic or anxiety or adrenaline. Why would you trust this in situations other than being chased or needing to protect or rescue someone? The gut is only trying to preserve itself without care for any one else or even the objective truth.
This is why the worst thing you can tell someone who is struggling with detrimental anxiety/depression/PTSD/Paranoia to just follow what they are feeling when they have to make decisions. What they are likely feeling is “RUNN!!!” even if that would actually be feeding into the anxiety, evading something that needs addressed, or leaving a good thing that’s hard. When someone is in that unbalanced place in their mind, their gut – or you can think of it as their current wiring – is usually avoiding triggers, pain, or uncertainty at all costs. However, they will not improve in that way.
I wrote the song below about 2 years ago, when I first started sharing my own music in public places- the anxiety was real:
What I have been learning in my therapy, research, and online classes and communities I have taken part in the last couple of months is that although it is good to know the things that are causing you anxiety (triggering experiences, memories, words, etc.); it’s often not beneficial to “follow your gut” when they are encountered. The gut reaction here is fear, running, and hiding… however, one cannot heal or rewire their brain this way. Anxiety, PTSD, and OCD has caused me great levels of distrust – of my own thoughts mainly, and of other people. It tells me that my thoughts are the enemy and all those who have ever hurt me are the enemy. This is my gut response.
I have been working on what I have often heard called “leaning in” to the discomfort. If something triggers me, instead of questioning the cause of the anxiety to death, I just allow myself to sit with it and let it pass. If I need to make a decision and anxiety is right there thinking it’s going to help me make the decisions like it always has, I remind myself that either I don’t need to make or shouldn’t make any choices now; or, that I should not make a choice based upon fear.
Today, I have pretty much been anxious since the moment I woke up. I wonder if my anxiety medication dose is STILL too low, or if it was because I stayed up until 1am working on finances and rushed out of the door to work… every negative thought, feeling, or memory is congregating at the door of my mind, waiting to do what it is used to doing. My gut is screaming to let all the fearful thoughts in because “we gotta fix this somehow”. But, I won’t do that. Instead, I will acknowledge my old friends, wave at them through the gate, but say that I am busy right now and can’t entertain them. Instead, I think I’ll take a walk on this fine late winter, warm afternoon, read a good book, visit my parents, and listen to some live music.
-Bethany
Featured song below, a favorite of mine, aptly describes much of what I wrote about. “The Draw” Live String Version by Bastille:
I mainly speak of anxiety, depression, PTSD, or OCD here. If you have another condition that relates to something of an addiction, at least in the beginning stages, triggering people, places, or things should be avoided until you gain more control and heal.
Donrico and I arrived at the same time to the bubble tea joint I suggested to him. We arrived at the same time, and as always when I encounter him, am taken aback by the almost disturbing calm that Donrico exudes. It makes me feel as if I fumbling about with pleasantries unnecessarily. Overall, he exudes positivity, optimism, and holds no air of expectation – my oft pessimistic, cynical side gets short-circuited by people like that and is almost jealous of their carefree attitude. This is my impression of him, of course, people are often never what they appear to be.
We sat down with each of our drinks. I tried something new, and Donrico took my suggestion to try the cheese foam that I said was the best around. I had prepared some questions in advance for him so he could think of some answers. I am going to frame this post with those questions.
Please tell us your name, where you are from, and a little about yourself.
Donrico DeCastro, a.k.a. The Yellow Master, lives in Sacramento and has accepted his brand as one who writes sad ukulele songs. Even in my own experience listening to his music, his positive and happy face often contrasts against his introspective, weighty lyrics.
When did you first discover music?
Having grown up in a Filipino family, music was all around him. Filipino children were expected to sing at family parties, and the family was always up for a karaoke session at most gatherings. He was sort of expected to entertain his aunties and uncles. Therefore, performance and learning of various karaoke standards was very formative of his upbringing and formation as an artist. It wasn’t truly until his senior year of high school that he started to take an ownership of music for himself, and even began writing his own music.
What has music meant to you over the course of your life?
Fun little short song.
For Donrico, music to him has been an opportunity to tell people his story. In addition to that, it is a way he expresses what is going on inside. Knowing that Donrico comes across as a reserved individual, and as an introvert myself, I can identify with this – we need an outlet that is safe, and singing music – covers or his own – and writing has meant that to him. He also sees it as a way to share other’s stories. Donrico enjoys writing music based upon favorite movies and TV shows as a way to bring out other stories.
Why did you start writing and making your own music?
As previously mentioned, he didn’t really get started on that until his senior year of high school. The first song he wrote was actually a confession to a girl he liked. I am not even sure why I should bat an eye at this because men, for centuries, have never been more motivated to write with the intent to bear their feelings than when attempting to woo women. Singing his confession was a way to put it out into the air. He actually picked up an instrument as well because of this girl who was the bassist in the school band.
How has living with mental health issues affected the way you write music, perform, etc.?
Anxiety has been the toughest grapple for Donrico with performing. He is not anxious during performances, but it is the days leading up to that can become unbearable. He as even taken the day off of work the day of his performances due to the anxiety so that he can have time to relax beforehand.
Anxiety has not really affected his songwriting progress, but rather his experiences with broken relationships has driven him to write. After his divorce, he didn’t want to linger on those emotions but get them out on the page. We both agreed that it was these low points that propelled us to write, possibly out of necessity – if we remain there in that low place we can keep descending; but, not lingering too much on it and throwing it out on a page has proved very useful to processing that experience.
The current challenge Donrico faces is moving on from writing out the various nuances of this past experience. He desires to write about the present, what is happening in his life now. This has proven to be difficult, and we discussed it is possibly because of the vulnerability required to face one’s current state-of-being. Writing about the present has been more difficult, even for the Yellow Master – someone I perceive to be steeped in optimism – because it is a place of unknowing, and it is raw, and he is still learning what it means.
Next, we talked about his preshow ritual.
There is that eyepatch… looks awesome!
For Donrico, is includes donning his special arm band, his eye patch he jokingly says “blocks out half the people”, and by reminding himself that he is only responsible for the next step. All he needs to do is move up to the microphone and not thinking too much of what comes after. He has realized he has to make a plan, and strategize, in order to rise to the occasion. He consistently tells himself the old saying “every journey begins with a step”.
What I personally appreciated about hearing Donrico’s process of rising up to the stage is that although it was structured, or ritualistic, it operated from a place of complete self-awareness. I think often, I believe that I have to prepare for my shows, amp myself up, in ways that I have been modeled by others. Contrarily, as Donrico has shown to me, you must know yourself – your weaknesses, tendencies – so that you can then, in a way, hack yourself to rise above these weaknesses to do things that you really want to do. I think as performers, even those that don’t suffer crippling anxiety, we try to tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be anxious and try to shake it off… this is not helpful, but tries to avoid rather than to face and find a solution.
Donrico is facing the fact that he gets really anxious before shows by applying actionable solutions: he is kind to himself by taking the day off not to sit at home twiddling his thumbs but to get to work; next, he applies meaning, mantra, and motive to each action, making for himself a ritual; he dons his special band, which for him means it is time to move forward; he secures his eye patch over his eye because he knows that it helps him. In this, he is presenting someone who is completely Donrico, not bandaging over his problems, not projecting a self that pretends they don’t exist; but, rather coming with them represented in the state of being overcome, and not domineering his whole person. He is the Yellow Master. I appreciate this holistic and authentic approach.
What specific song of yours reflects a little bit of your own struggle?
As mentioned before, most of his music has revolved around relationships. After his divorce, he wrote the song “From We to Me”, which was based on the memory of him and his ex-wife. He gave a little insight into the story behind this song. I am just going to transcribe what he said:
“That was the right-after-the-divorce song…One thing that me and my ex-wife used to do is we talked about our five-year goal – where we are gonna be in five years. And, everyday we would work on it. Then, one day she said she wasn’t going to be a part of those five years. And that’s the title of the song “From We to Me”: trying to figure out how to go from that “we” back to “me”. Just being lost and trying to figure that out.”
Listen to that song here:
If you are a Christian, how has living with this issue impacted the way you relate to God? Live your faith out into the world? Relate to others?
When I asked this question, Donrico did not hesitate but the first thing he mentions is that “everything we have we owe to Him”. He also went on to speak of the relationship of God and music. Donrico sees the existence of music as the constant evidence of God’s existence and presence in the world.
I was really intrigued when I reiterated the question to him about the impact of anxiety in his relation to God and living out his faith in the world. Full of faith and trust, he began to relate the trials of this life to the trial Jesus went through spending forty days in the desert – things we have to go through in this life are usually necessary, often as a test. He sees these tests as indicators of God preparing him to do that things ahead of him – the outcome will indicate if he is ready yet. I was impressed by his simple trust in God to redeem things and situations that are pressing.
I am often problem-oriented. I see focusing on the problem as paramount to growth, but I have been often learning that living solution-oriented is more productive as well as hopeful. Donrico communicated this to me. He sees these “tests” not as a time to configure all the problems, but a time to make the most out of and devise solutions to move forward. I feel like I can convince myself that because I am trying to discover the holes and problems to fix, I am being productive. This, in fact, aids in stagnating the process because then no matter how accurate I have described the problem, there still needs to be actionable solutions which requires moving on from talk of the problem.
Focusing on my problems, in a sense, sets up camp in that proverbial desert God may have prepared for me to weather, rather than devising solutions and using my resources to move to a more sustainable environment. As Christians, those resources are available to us at any moment – God’s word, wise counsel from and refreshing communion with our brothers and sisters-in-christ, lifting our requests to God through prayer as he commands, and rejoicing in the Lord at all times.
How has it (mental health struggles) affected to way you have related to others?
A Yellow Master classic. The first one I heard from him.
When he was younger in high school, he tended to be loud, needy, and trying really hard to fit into a mold. All of his problems just resulted from his desire to be accepted by others… This sounds like the normal process of growing up. However, I remember being the same way – I cared way too. much about what people thought of me, thus I tried to do things that we amazing for the sole reason of feeling validated by my peers, whoever they were. Donrico mentions doing something like that, a vlog series that lasted three years, that he feels was not done because he enjoyed it, but done in a specific way to feel validated by his peers. He has mellowed with age as he have learned from others around him. He has stopped trying to impress others and instead has been more selective about who he lets close, not because he is afraid of anyone, but because he wants to be able to completely be himself.
What do you hope to accomplish by writing and putting your music out in the world?
Donrico just wants to tell stories. If he tells his story, and another person hears it, this is really how he lives on after he is gone. It’s his legacy. He recalls books such as Alice in Wonderland, where although the creators pass away, the story lives on. Specifically he recalls artists such as the Beatles, and Elton John, whose stories have lived on such that there are movies being made about their lives and their influence. He wishes to make music that resound with people and leaves a similar legacy.
In what ways has music helped you to manage your issues, or even find more wholeness and healing? Share a specific moment that you felt this.
Being a part of the community of Songwriters (Sacramento Songwriter Circles), has really helped him. When he was all alone, he was quite discouraged. However, when he is with a group, he begins to see how everyone else is doing and that he is not alone. This group has also caused him to rethink the process by considering multiple perspectives when writing his music – what is he thinking/feeling, how will the listener hear this, etc.
For Donrico, his songwriter community is everything. With his friends, acoustic duo Deux Coasts.
I added a question: Do you have any experiences that we have written a song for a specific person to process, and then performed it for them?
There is a song he wrote called “Victim” for a friend who was going through depression as a way to ensure them that he would always be there. He realized that there was nothing he could really do to help them except to tell them they were there to help. It helped deepen the friendship.
The fact that it was a song makes it different. Donrico says that anyone can tell you they will be there for you, but it’s not everyday they go out of their way to write a song about you. It creates something that is memorable for them, turns a negative moment into a positive and healing one.
Why do you think art and music are essential practices, forms, or tools for humans?
Music is a way of expression and a way to bring people together. Donrico mentioned the movie Bohemian Rhapsody when Queen performed their last concert as a benefit for AIDS irradiation in Africa. Their music brought the world together for this good cause. Some music has been used as negative propoganda, but there are moments like this that show of its power for good.
Music has been around since the beginning, and Donrico cannot imagine a world without music – even the animals have their song. He sees music as a more diverse tool for communication, more than simple language. Music ties into emotion, which is why music is often used in movies to add to the meaning, such as in scary movies. Certain movies would not be as scary, or as inspiring without that music in the background. The meaning reaches deeper into you when a message is delivered through or with music.
Ethereal old R&B sounding tune
What is some advice you can give to people dealing with mental health issues similar to yours, or artists/musicians in a similar boat?
For anxiety, especially performance-oriented, find a ritual that works for you. Realize that small steps in the direction you want, really do count. Moving slowly should not be discouraging… you will eventually reach that goal. Be patient with yourself.
WILD CARD: I know you are into anime and comic culture, right? To the not-yet-weeaboo out there, what anime would you recommend they watch first that has notably good music and why?
Without hesitation, the Yellow Master states: Cowboy Bebop. for a phenomenal soundtrack. Another one that he recommends for people interested in music and great stories is: Mongolian Chop Squad. The character is actually someone who joins a band and learns guitar for the first time. In addition, he also mentions One Punch Man – one I always hear my boyfriend going on about – but says it is one to watch later, not as a beginner.
Thank you Donrico for the interview! I was encouraged and I am sure others will be, too.
Follow Donrico, The Yellow Master, on a variety of platforms:
Anxious Anne 