I have reached a new phase of my mental health journey.
A year ago, I was just beginning to experience new levels of anxiety, and what I can now see as Relationship OCD and Scrupulosity.
Me, this time last year- when I started to descend quickly into an abyss of self-destruction- always tired and ignoring my needs
I was always getting triggered and my mind descending into chaos. Not being able to relax and be alone anymore. Eventually, from the moment I woke up I was attacked mercilessly with intrusive thoughts, and sometimes I was up in the night panicking at fake threats or possibilities.
Now, I am… well, bored. And I have never been more happy to be so.
I say bored because my mind spent an entire year – 2019 was a dark year – with obsessive thoughts that eventually gave way to compulsions, which fueled high anxiety from dawn until dusk.
Now, my mind is unfamiliar and clear.
Through lots of work with my therapist (I found someone who specializes in what I needed; I recommend this if you can find one); joined an online course and community focusing on Relationship OCD (Check out Awaken Into Love here); worked for reconciliation in relationship that needed repairing; resolving some of my anger and disappointment towards God; tending to my dilapidated physical health; seeking out various literature and resources; and leaning hard on my loved ones… As a result, I have experienced levels of mental boredom and healthy emotional regulation that I don’t think I have before.
Healthy in Spring 2020. Reveling in the glow emanating from a more healed, whole, and renewed mind and body. Thank you, Lord!
When I say I’m happy, it doesn’t mean I’ve found some crazy enlightenment in anything I’ve done, per se. I just am more WHOLE. I have grace towards myself when I fail, get anxious, give into a compulsion, or regress. Therefore, I am able to be more understanding towards others as well.
I am doing the work. I am able to decide which thoughts to entertain, let be, or reject as ridiculous.
I am able to feel awful, sad, or even depressed without it having to mean something huge. And, for me, I haven’t been this happy in a long time- happy because I am taking charge of my life by controlling what I can and letting go of what I can’t. My trust in God is growing as I see how he takes care of me when I let Him.
I have been able to set boundaries with people- I can decide how I am to be treated and what I won’t tolerate. This doesn’t mean I reject the other person, it can actually safeguard and improve a relationship/friendship.
I still deal with anxiety, but am managing it significantly better than even 2 months ago.
I will probably turn my focus for Anxious Anne outwards more, since I have more mental capacity to do so. I want to do more features, interviews, and articles relating to mental health, art, and faith.
Let’s see where this goes!
-Anxious Anne
Music featured:
I created a strings cover of a favorite song called “Take Heart” by Hillsong-
The pursuit of this has been the bane of my existence- perfect hobbies, perfect friends, perfect boyfriend, perfect career, perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect health, perfect relationship with God…
I now know that what I thought was just simply a sense of self-righteousness (which is true!), grew into something more; an obsession. Anxiety and OCD that became my companions in these pursuits: faithful, pushing me towards what I deemed as excellence, making me feel in control, making promises that perfection was just around the corner… they began to grow like thick Boston Ivy, climbing on their own accord as I gave them space upon the walls of my psyche. Soon they penetrated through the windows and intertwined throughout every room and hall. The foliage seemed to whisper, accuse, and call to me as I walked the halls.
Truly, this worked for years. Everything to compromise this perception of my achievement and goodness was hidden away neatly, only making it onto pages of my tear-stained diaries, but often just remaining in my mind to slowly eat away at me.
It wasn’t until I realized this hiding, and started to meet true friends that both supported and challenged me – prying off my facades with tough love – that things started to unravel.
Some of the hardest news for someone suffering from OCD and Anxiety to hear is this: you are a sinner.
Sure, I have heard this my whole life as I sat devoutly Sunday after Sunday, notebook in hand. However, in retrospect, I believe I was jumping through hoop after hoop to escape this reality, to somehow level up through my own striving to earn God’s good graces, and by approval of others, to signify my righteousness, worth, and feel one step closer to perfection.
The Awkward Yeti comics never fail haha
You are a sinner. Is this an accusation? What should I do with this? This is BAD NEWS. This means I will never reach perfection no matter how hard I grasp, and thrash, and obsess.
You are a sinner. Why must I carry this burden? What hope is there for me, then? Why try if this will always be branded on my forehead?
You are a sinner. No… this would mean that I can’t do anything for myself. That I can’t be my own hope, or other people can’t either. This would mean I am vulnerable, will be hurt or hurt others…
You are a sinner, but… but, what? If You are good, what possible goodness could come out of You creating me to fail? What good am I? I can achieve nothing? Life is meaningless if life means pain!
You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. Okay, why would the God of all the universe endure pain, suffering, and the temptations and pitfalls of humanness just to die for failures like us? Couldn’t he just clap his hands and set things in place? Why did he give us choice? Why did he take up our burdens?
You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. You are no longer a slave to that sin. Okay, then why do I still get to “easily entangled” in it- my pride, strife, and apathy? Am I, then, creating the shackles that bind me to the crushing weight of failure? You say I am free now. What can it mean to be both sinner and free? Do you hold the key to unlock those layers upon layers upon layers of shackles?
You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. You are no longer a slave to that sin. My yolk is easy and my burden light. Well, if you say you hold to key to set me free, I guess that would be an easier burden, even though I still live with pain throughout my life. If I am first a sinner and in need of your unlocking the shackles off that sin daily, then I will give you that task. I relinquish that control because it’s too weighty and it’s crushing me. I suppose this is what us humans chose from the beginning – choosing to strive for god-like perfection although we are simply creatures. If you want to take it, then I won’t stop you.
Okay, I am a sinner.
I am a sinner.
I am a sinner, but…
I am a sinner, but Christdied for those sins and I am no longer a slave to them.
This still isn’t good news, it means I must learn to cope with my sinfulness aside from the voices of accusation that OCD and Anxiety has provided – a sort of comfort – for years. This will take time to unravel, cut, and uproot the raging Ivy.
But, I guess this is good news… the voices of accusation hold no weight if I remember that I am, indeed, a sinner, but God sought to end the disparity that comes with that identity, and eventually obliterate it. Truly a weight has lifted. But what do I do with all of this empty space in my brain?
There is no whip cracking to move me along, only kind and merciful direction from God and his Word. Anxiety tries to show up to help me along with decisions, but now I don’t need it anymore…
How do I function without perfection as my goal? How do I function without only relying on myself? This would mean I am truly helpless alone, and would need to rely on others and God to move me through life. I suppose this isn’t a bad thing, but it would require me to relinquish that control, and self-righteous attitude, and be vulnerable before others and trusting of God. This is scary and this is new; but, having the burden of my pride and self-protection has been overwhelming and has broken my mind. I am ready to give it up.
I am really good at coming up with ideas. As a small child, I would fill notebooks with drawings of ideas for clothing, brands, inventions, novel plots, and new worlds. However, nothing really came of any of any of those ideas, I simply kept them in the notebook all shut up. They began to collect dust on the shelf.
I do remember one instance where one of my weird, but complex ideas was put to use. It was seventh or eighth grade, and as a part of a history project, we were to create our own country with it’s own language. I dusted off one of those notebooks within which I had created a people and language, called Navi. (This was way before Avatar came out, so I have concluded my idea stolen hahaha; JK, it never saw light of day from it’s inception at 8 years old until middle school). It was really just a code I had created during my spy phase in late childhood. I even wrote in it fluently in my journals so no one could read my inner most thoughts. I proudly, yet somewhat shyly presented my country. Although everyone was impressed at the detail, of course, it wasn’t as significant as in my eyes. After that, however, the language and thought was less special in my eyes because it was no longer secret. It was no longer my secret little language. I don’t know what there is to that story… maybe just that I have been reluctant to bring my ideas to fruition because I want them to stay ideal – a perfect image in my mind, untainted by reality.
I feel like so many times, I have reached the edge of that new venture, where there was a lot of uncertainty, pumped up with ideas and strategies, and yet something like this happens:
I thought of this clip when I started formulating this blog post in my head. So that anxiety that Mr. Bean felt, and the feeling of everyone watching, is usually something I face when I want to try a new thing that I know will take a lot of courage, persistence, and time. I gleefully see the opportunity and walk up with a sense of excitement; but, once I reach the top and see the view from there, every attempt to leap seems to fail. This new opportunity becomes an illusion, yet I feel I can’t return to where I was… so where to go but nowhere. At least I know what that looks like.
I realize that one does not have to deal with anxiety or the like to experience this. Most people do at some point. However, I have seen this as a trend in my life and it has grown in that sometimes I dread and am anxious to do simple things if they haven’t been done before.
Most of the human population live within the bubble of the familiar, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily if you are one who prefers that predictability. Those dependable, seemingly predictable people are probably needed in society. However, I am not one of those people who long for that predictability. I want adventure and I want to be challenged. The anxiety and OCD that I have dealt with – usually keeping me from taking risks or trying to make things perfect before I risk – really has strangled that inborn desire for adventure. I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to sit back where it was safe or where I didn’t need to be pushed or anything really expected of me. I didn’t want to fail because failure meant becoming vulnerable.
Photo from wandering around in Japan. Traveling to Japan alone was one of the biggest risks I have taken thus far!
There are some things that I realize are beginning to bite me back. I was a very good student throughout my whole life. However, what I thought was a love for learning many times was a desire for validation from my teacher and peers for the marks I received. I was working to get that grade, rather than simply enjoy the material, and take risks in the ideas and questions I put forth. I only raised my hand when I thought my comment or question was perfect, rather than because I was genuinely curious and didn’t care to look a fool. I think near the end of college, I started taking more risks in my essays, and that was when I started failing epically for the first time.
I did take some risks, but usually they were more calculated and safe than one might think. I am not being hard on myself, I think this is all just a part of growth for my story. I am just starting to notice these parts of me that need to wake up if I want to live the kind of life I want to and make the impact I desire.
As I started getting treatment through therapy starting back in 2017, I noticed my ability to have courage and take risks started to increase incrementally. After I emerged from a sort of cocoon phase, I started sharing my music to the public for the first time and doing shows. However, hardship hit again and I seemingly shrunk back into the cocoon.
I have always thought of that as negative. Now, as I am thinking about that analogy, this is not a bad thing. Shrinking back into the cocoon can be seen as a new opportunity to evolve, develop, and grow into something even more beautiful and great. I may not be leaping wildly off into the unknown at present, but I am busy honing in on what needs growth while inside my cocoon. I am at a restful, yet busy phase while in this cocoon.
Thank you for reading this stream-of-thought style post!
Donrico and I arrived at the same time to the bubble tea joint I suggested to him. We arrived at the same time, and as always when I encounter him, am taken aback by the almost disturbing calm that Donrico exudes. It makes me feel as if I fumbling about with pleasantries unnecessarily. Overall, he exudes positivity, optimism, and holds no air of expectation – my oft pessimistic, cynical side gets short-circuited by people like that and is almost jealous of their carefree attitude. This is my impression of him, of course, people are often never what they appear to be.
We sat down with each of our drinks. I tried something new, and Donrico took my suggestion to try the cheese foam that I said was the best around. I had prepared some questions in advance for him so he could think of some answers. I am going to frame this post with those questions.
Please tell us your name, where you are from, and a little about yourself.
Donrico DeCastro, a.k.a. The Yellow Master, lives in Sacramento and has accepted his brand as one who writes sad ukulele songs. Even in my own experience listening to his music, his positive and happy face often contrasts against his introspective, weighty lyrics.
When did you first discover music?
Having grown up in a Filipino family, music was all around him. Filipino children were expected to sing at family parties, and the family was always up for a karaoke session at most gatherings. He was sort of expected to entertain his aunties and uncles. Therefore, performance and learning of various karaoke standards was very formative of his upbringing and formation as an artist. It wasn’t truly until his senior year of high school that he started to take an ownership of music for himself, and even began writing his own music.
What has music meant to you over the course of your life?
Fun little short song.
For Donrico, music to him has been an opportunity to tell people his story. In addition to that, it is a way he expresses what is going on inside. Knowing that Donrico comes across as a reserved individual, and as an introvert myself, I can identify with this – we need an outlet that is safe, and singing music – covers or his own – and writing has meant that to him. He also sees it as a way to share other’s stories. Donrico enjoys writing music based upon favorite movies and TV shows as a way to bring out other stories.
Why did you start writing and making your own music?
As previously mentioned, he didn’t really get started on that until his senior year of high school. The first song he wrote was actually a confession to a girl he liked. I am not even sure why I should bat an eye at this because men, for centuries, have never been more motivated to write with the intent to bear their feelings than when attempting to woo women. Singing his confession was a way to put it out into the air. He actually picked up an instrument as well because of this girl who was the bassist in the school band.
How has living with mental health issues affected the way you write music, perform, etc.?
Anxiety has been the toughest grapple for Donrico with performing. He is not anxious during performances, but it is the days leading up to that can become unbearable. He as even taken the day off of work the day of his performances due to the anxiety so that he can have time to relax beforehand.
Anxiety has not really affected his songwriting progress, but rather his experiences with broken relationships has driven him to write. After his divorce, he didn’t want to linger on those emotions but get them out on the page. We both agreed that it was these low points that propelled us to write, possibly out of necessity – if we remain there in that low place we can keep descending; but, not lingering too much on it and throwing it out on a page has proved very useful to processing that experience.
The current challenge Donrico faces is moving on from writing out the various nuances of this past experience. He desires to write about the present, what is happening in his life now. This has proven to be difficult, and we discussed it is possibly because of the vulnerability required to face one’s current state-of-being. Writing about the present has been more difficult, even for the Yellow Master – someone I perceive to be steeped in optimism – because it is a place of unknowing, and it is raw, and he is still learning what it means.
Next, we talked about his preshow ritual.
There is that eyepatch… looks awesome!
For Donrico, is includes donning his special arm band, his eye patch he jokingly says “blocks out half the people”, and by reminding himself that he is only responsible for the next step. All he needs to do is move up to the microphone and not thinking too much of what comes after. He has realized he has to make a plan, and strategize, in order to rise to the occasion. He consistently tells himself the old saying “every journey begins with a step”.
What I personally appreciated about hearing Donrico’s process of rising up to the stage is that although it was structured, or ritualistic, it operated from a place of complete self-awareness. I think often, I believe that I have to prepare for my shows, amp myself up, in ways that I have been modeled by others. Contrarily, as Donrico has shown to me, you must know yourself – your weaknesses, tendencies – so that you can then, in a way, hack yourself to rise above these weaknesses to do things that you really want to do. I think as performers, even those that don’t suffer crippling anxiety, we try to tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be anxious and try to shake it off… this is not helpful, but tries to avoid rather than to face and find a solution.
Donrico is facing the fact that he gets really anxious before shows by applying actionable solutions: he is kind to himself by taking the day off not to sit at home twiddling his thumbs but to get to work; next, he applies meaning, mantra, and motive to each action, making for himself a ritual; he dons his special band, which for him means it is time to move forward; he secures his eye patch over his eye because he knows that it helps him. In this, he is presenting someone who is completely Donrico, not bandaging over his problems, not projecting a self that pretends they don’t exist; but, rather coming with them represented in the state of being overcome, and not domineering his whole person. He is the Yellow Master. I appreciate this holistic and authentic approach.
What specific song of yours reflects a little bit of your own struggle?
As mentioned before, most of his music has revolved around relationships. After his divorce, he wrote the song “From We to Me”, which was based on the memory of him and his ex-wife. He gave a little insight into the story behind this song. I am just going to transcribe what he said:
“That was the right-after-the-divorce song…One thing that me and my ex-wife used to do is we talked about our five-year goal – where we are gonna be in five years. And, everyday we would work on it. Then, one day she said she wasn’t going to be a part of those five years. And that’s the title of the song “From We to Me”: trying to figure out how to go from that “we” back to “me”. Just being lost and trying to figure that out.”
Listen to that song here:
If you are a Christian, how has living with this issue impacted the way you relate to God? Live your faith out into the world? Relate to others?
When I asked this question, Donrico did not hesitate but the first thing he mentions is that “everything we have we owe to Him”. He also went on to speak of the relationship of God and music. Donrico sees the existence of music as the constant evidence of God’s existence and presence in the world.
I was really intrigued when I reiterated the question to him about the impact of anxiety in his relation to God and living out his faith in the world. Full of faith and trust, he began to relate the trials of this life to the trial Jesus went through spending forty days in the desert – things we have to go through in this life are usually necessary, often as a test. He sees these tests as indicators of God preparing him to do that things ahead of him – the outcome will indicate if he is ready yet. I was impressed by his simple trust in God to redeem things and situations that are pressing.
I am often problem-oriented. I see focusing on the problem as paramount to growth, but I have been often learning that living solution-oriented is more productive as well as hopeful. Donrico communicated this to me. He sees these “tests” not as a time to configure all the problems, but a time to make the most out of and devise solutions to move forward. I feel like I can convince myself that because I am trying to discover the holes and problems to fix, I am being productive. This, in fact, aids in stagnating the process because then no matter how accurate I have described the problem, there still needs to be actionable solutions which requires moving on from talk of the problem.
Focusing on my problems, in a sense, sets up camp in that proverbial desert God may have prepared for me to weather, rather than devising solutions and using my resources to move to a more sustainable environment. As Christians, those resources are available to us at any moment – God’s word, wise counsel from and refreshing communion with our brothers and sisters-in-christ, lifting our requests to God through prayer as he commands, and rejoicing in the Lord at all times.
How has it (mental health struggles) affected to way you have related to others?
A Yellow Master classic. The first one I heard from him.
When he was younger in high school, he tended to be loud, needy, and trying really hard to fit into a mold. All of his problems just resulted from his desire to be accepted by others… This sounds like the normal process of growing up. However, I remember being the same way – I cared way too. much about what people thought of me, thus I tried to do things that we amazing for the sole reason of feeling validated by my peers, whoever they were. Donrico mentions doing something like that, a vlog series that lasted three years, that he feels was not done because he enjoyed it, but done in a specific way to feel validated by his peers. He has mellowed with age as he have learned from others around him. He has stopped trying to impress others and instead has been more selective about who he lets close, not because he is afraid of anyone, but because he wants to be able to completely be himself.
What do you hope to accomplish by writing and putting your music out in the world?
Donrico just wants to tell stories. If he tells his story, and another person hears it, this is really how he lives on after he is gone. It’s his legacy. He recalls books such as Alice in Wonderland, where although the creators pass away, the story lives on. Specifically he recalls artists such as the Beatles, and Elton John, whose stories have lived on such that there are movies being made about their lives and their influence. He wishes to make music that resound with people and leaves a similar legacy.
In what ways has music helped you to manage your issues, or even find more wholeness and healing? Share a specific moment that you felt this.
Being a part of the community of Songwriters (Sacramento Songwriter Circles), has really helped him. When he was all alone, he was quite discouraged. However, when he is with a group, he begins to see how everyone else is doing and that he is not alone. This group has also caused him to rethink the process by considering multiple perspectives when writing his music – what is he thinking/feeling, how will the listener hear this, etc.
For Donrico, his songwriter community is everything. With his friends, acoustic duo Deux Coasts.
I added a question: Do you have any experiences that we have written a song for a specific person to process, and then performed it for them?
There is a song he wrote called “Victim” for a friend who was going through depression as a way to ensure them that he would always be there. He realized that there was nothing he could really do to help them except to tell them they were there to help. It helped deepen the friendship.
The fact that it was a song makes it different. Donrico says that anyone can tell you they will be there for you, but it’s not everyday they go out of their way to write a song about you. It creates something that is memorable for them, turns a negative moment into a positive and healing one.
Why do you think art and music are essential practices, forms, or tools for humans?
Music is a way of expression and a way to bring people together. Donrico mentioned the movie Bohemian Rhapsody when Queen performed their last concert as a benefit for AIDS irradiation in Africa. Their music brought the world together for this good cause. Some music has been used as negative propoganda, but there are moments like this that show of its power for good.
Music has been around since the beginning, and Donrico cannot imagine a world without music – even the animals have their song. He sees music as a more diverse tool for communication, more than simple language. Music ties into emotion, which is why music is often used in movies to add to the meaning, such as in scary movies. Certain movies would not be as scary, or as inspiring without that music in the background. The meaning reaches deeper into you when a message is delivered through or with music.
Ethereal old R&B sounding tune
What is some advice you can give to people dealing with mental health issues similar to yours, or artists/musicians in a similar boat?
For anxiety, especially performance-oriented, find a ritual that works for you. Realize that small steps in the direction you want, really do count. Moving slowly should not be discouraging… you will eventually reach that goal. Be patient with yourself.
WILD CARD: I know you are into anime and comic culture, right? To the not-yet-weeaboo out there, what anime would you recommend they watch first that has notably good music and why?
Without hesitation, the Yellow Master states: Cowboy Bebop. for a phenomenal soundtrack. Another one that he recommends for people interested in music and great stories is: Mongolian Chop Squad. The character is actually someone who joins a band and learns guitar for the first time. In addition, he also mentions One Punch Man – one I always hear my boyfriend going on about – but says it is one to watch later, not as a beginner.
Thank you Donrico for the interview! I was encouraged and I am sure others will be, too.
Follow Donrico, The Yellow Master, on a variety of platforms:
I struggled to get started writing this post. I told myself as I started this blog that I was going to allow myself to write diary-like entries and not overthink. Nevertheless, I found myself thinking to myself it has to be a certain way and I need to be clear and concise. Perhaps, my wanting to be clear isn’t so bad, but I started to construct strategy so as to come across in a certain way rather than just being true to my vision for the blog – rip open my heart for others to take a peak.
Posting here because I think it’s funny hehe
NOTE: Music featured and tied to this post is both in the middle and at the end. You don’t wanna miss it.
So, where are we… oh, yea, the process (continual process) of me finding my own voice.
Well, most of this has happened since I began therapy two years ago. It’s not that I wasn’t joyful, happy before, or that I was a liar… it’s just that parts of my being whole as a human had been suppressed.
One day in early January 2017, my world as I knew it was shattered into a million pieces as a memory resurfaced. My mind and body became racked with PTSD. That can mean different things for different people. First, I was in shock, then I was angry, and then I mourned. I was completely broken. I withdrew from all ministry and extra-curricular (I was in my junior year at college) not from shame, but simply because my mind and body could not handle it all. At the same time, everything made sense. All of my crippling timidity, consistent self-sabotage, self-hatred, chronic self-blame, and distrust of people began to make complete sense. I almost felt relieved.
During that time, I remember simply not caring as much about my appearance as I used to… I couldn’t afford the stress. So, one day, where I was feeling particularly numb towards life, I came to school wearing the utmost baggy and unflattering clothing – an ill-fitting, old grey sweater draped over me like a security blanket. Disheveled, unwashed hair, unwashed face… this was actually the beginnings of regaining my voice. At least I was being honest.
First song I posted on SoundCloud, a cover and not my own, but I was able to use it to begin the journey of sharing my voice through music that night Sept 7, 2017 with this imperfect, one-take recording.
It has been a journey since then. Especially as I have grown into a *proper* adult, crawled out from my parent’s protective emotional covering, and have been tried and tested in new and unexpected ways. Most of these trials have revolved around interacting with humans, which makes complete sense considering I had, unbeknownst to me, been hiding away parts of myself; and, was a scared little girl just trying to please everyone so they wouldn’t get upset at me.
Honestly, I felt good after I *completed* my therapy Spring 2018. I felt confident in myself. I felt invincible. This quickly dissipated as I got myself involved in an unhealthy relationship that I had to cut off. However, I didn’t cut things off like I used to with people (friendships or romance), which was usually either silently disappearing or a wordless door slam. I decided that I had to speak my mind, my needs, and open up a conversation with the person rather than seeing their flaws or wrongs, then disappearing or cutting them out. Luckily this person was open to any sort of conversation. However, with a push from friends, I was able to cut it off because I knew it was going nowhere and was unhealthy with no prospects of repair. I only knew this because instead of running, I decided to push closer to the other human and open a dialogue. This was out of respect for them and myself. My old ways were simply self-preservation.
Started sharing my own music in 2018.
I cried for a week straight. A. Week. Even though it was a short-lived relationship. I cried for regret, for deceiving myself again, and because I thought I was better now and wouldn’t make those mistakes anymore. BUT, I also cried for relief because I had done better at saying everything I needed to say to that person and ending on good, clear terms.
My boyfriend said to me recently that I always seem to be struggling with something, and sometimes he is nervous that something is “bubbling” within me and gonna explode at any moment. He was just vocalizing a concern, but I saw it as an invitation to be more forward with him when thoughts began to spiral or doubts regarding our relationship fester.
He is not completely wrong to feel that way. This nothing-to-catastrophe way of dealing with things has been a problem for me. Most of the problem lies in silencing my voice when a less than savory thought enters my head, even if small or trivial, because I don’t want to disturb the other person; or, out of an unwillingness to explore deeper fears OR needs that lie within. As a result, the anxiety that I have been experiencing feeds on that negativity, tension, OR ambiguity and brings it to catastrophic levels. At that point, there lies in me a need to burst.
Promotional graphic from my second “show”. Having fun and being me.
It seems rather than being completely vulnerable with others and allowing them into my processing of doubts, concerns, vices, etc., I try my hand at configuring them – an impossible task when I have only my view and fear to dictate answers – only to be sucked into that fear vortex. Lately my body has been physically manifesting this anxious thinking by way of feeling “on fire”, numb, tingly, chest pain, and the feelings of needing to crawl out of my skin. I have noticed that these symptoms reduce at least 50%, sometimes 100%, when I reach out to someone to vent or process with, or if I directly address my needs or concerns to the relevant person.
What am I most afraid of? What makes me choose an isolated, crazed state over a connected, less crazed, emotionally free state?
It is fear of rejection of my doubts, needs, and concerns, because they may relate to that person and be challenging to them or even hurtful.
It is a fear of disappointment. That what I ask of others will be either impossible, refused completely, misunderstood, or in the end they cannot fulfill them.
Turns out I fear putting any sort of expectation on people. Yet, still I somehow put expectation on them without sharing… for my loved ones, the frustration becomes a feeling of uncertain expectation. It is clear to me now, that the expectation I have, but am afraid to admit, is that I want to be completely understood. I want to feel complete security. I want evidence every second to calm my nerves… an impossible task.
Talking at a songwriter feature event. Being completely vulnerable about the stories behind my songs.
Yet, the cynical side of me – no doubt laced with lies from the farthest reaches of hell – battles fiercely with that. No one can understand you at all. You aren’t actually worth your needs being met. There exists no one who will listen and consider your needs or expectations. No human can love your needy self, neither is anyone ever going to rise to your standards. You’ll regret ever trusting anyone and will be devastated in the end. Why even say anything. It’s hopeless. It will come to nothing. Just keep hiding it. Eventually you’ll figure it out. Just keep turning it over. No, God won’t help, he will just make you feel bad. He will just remind you how weak and incompetent you are…
As I have learned to use my voice gradually these last few years, I have noticed that people worth keeping close and trusting will (1) Listen actively to your needs, (2) Respond to them by opening a dialogue and compromise where appropriate, (3) Seek to meet your needs while keeping their own healthy boundaries established, (4) Make their needs known as well, (5) Show physical evidence of their efforts over time, (6) Be willing to revisit the conversation when needed, and (7) Won’t make you feel bad for having needs, but also won’t hold back criticism when it’s due.
Notice how I did not once say that my needs would be anticipated by those
After voicing my needs to see this goober (we were long distance, but not “official” per se), we arranged for my seeing him in Chicago. No matter where the Lord leads us, I’m glad you are in my life Matthew. I love you.
who love me… sure, over time, as we grow closer to people we can anticipate some needs. However, no human can anticipate or always read what you need without being explicitly told. We chose what kind of relationships we want. Even so, no human can perfectly fulfill my needs.
I have been relying too much on my boyfriend lately. Feeling upset at him because he is not perfect and has hurt me, because he cannot read my needs as they seem to hang heavy in the air, because he doesn’t seem as constantly worried about the problems in each of us and as a couple. And yet, every time I come to him with my needs or concerns he listens willingly, takes them into consideration, we open a dialogue (sometimes a bit messy and sometimes takes a multiple tries) to talk about what can be done to honor us both; he attempts to see my perspective and doesn’t make me feel bad for it, yet he also offers feedback exploring if certain fears or insecurities might be fueling my concerns.
Starting to express myself more, even down to my look in Fall 2018 (chopped locks, confident expression) Yes, that’s a yellow stain I didn’t notice was on my sleeve haha
Only God can see my needs, anticipate them, and only He can minister to my soul on a deeper spiritual level. I shouldn’t put this burden completely on others… I feel that with trusting in God alone over humans, I can then voice my needs without fear to people, knowing that they won’t be able to complete me and being okay with that. In his abundant grace and creativity, God can use them to minister to me. Everything good comes from him and is miraculous.
As I turn to God, pour out my anxiety and messy, irrational emotions to him, he hears me clearer, understands my needs deeper, and knows how to supply my needs better than anyone will ever be able. The more I trust that he hears me, the more that I can find that voice to bring out into the world to the ears of his created ones that they, too, will know of my God who does and will supply all my needs.
NOTE #2: After I finished this, I realized there will be a part 3… stay tuned. I will talk more about how the “reversal” in my present life.
Lord,
I am sorry for putting my trust in other people around me to completely fill all my needs. Nothing can truly satisfy me but you. Please help me to better voice my needs to others so that I can develop deeper, truer relationships that honor you and showcase your love. Help me to not trust anxiety as I grapple with concerns in my mind, but help me to put those anxieties regarding myself and others to rest by continuing to communicate them to loved ones, knowing that you created me not to live alone but to lean on others.
Your daughter by Grace,
Bethany
MUSIC FEATURE:
This song hit my like a ton of bricks today. Non-explicit version below this one.
Turns out the main singer of this amazing group, Chad Gardner, took this song directly from his own journal. The main singer deals with severe anxiety and experiences panic attacks on the regular. What a testimony. He presses through, with his voice shaking, language harsh, and brings his needs before God. He explodes with emotion at the end, rejoicing in the promises of God despite his questions and anxious fears that are “f**king violent”.
Help me to trust in you alone, God. Trust your promises.
I held on, almost in desperation, to my loving boyfriend. I felt as if gravity was reversing and sucking me up feet first into the sky. The fatigue that racked my body almost didn’t seem real… so I held on, fighting not to give in to the pull.
“I’m sorry, babe. I can’t be present with you right now. I feel so sick. I feel like I’m not even here, but in a dream.“
“It’s fine, you don’t need to try to be anything.”
My body tightened. I could not believe that. I could not accept it…I was fighting to simply be.
I was so frustrated. The prior evening was characterized by loving communication and trust building. 24 hours later, my physical fatigue was pulling me away from this beautiful, simple moment of walking through the cool, summer evening with my love.
Which came first? Anxious thoughts that I tried shoving out of the door of my mind only to physically manifest as exhaustion for the impossible endeavor? Or was my indigestion giving irrational anxiety to interpret my experience? Either way, I was detached completely from sensation external and internal. Although I remember being held for nearly ten minutes, my memory is void of emotion or any feeling or affection. Though, I know in that moment I was loved, and tried my best to receive it, I cannot remember it…
I wasn’t lying either. I love him. But I remember nothing of feeling this since my mind has been drifting frequently to and from earth this week. My memories are fading into nothing but black and white reel in my mind, parts of the film distorted, expressions changed from joyous to withered with apathy or weariness. How can I continue to grow in love when I keep forgetting?
It is as if the claws of PTSD are trying to grab a memory and cast it into the void of space, never to be enjoyed again, assure my bonds with others, retell of God’s goodness, getting smaller as it floats away by inertia…but why is my mind trying to bury good memories? Why is my mind alerting every small disturbance as reason to run away, cut ties with those I love most, and go…nowhere?
I have been playing phone tag with my therapist these last few days.
“I need to go see my therapist.”
I have stated this an embarrassing number of times since my boyfriend came back to live in our hometown, but still haven’t acted. I could feel the push and tug of anxiety. Coasting blissfully and in control for weeks only to have one negative experience pull me away from earth again. Or I would crash to earth, burrowed in a hole of depression.
My excuses: “I don’t have time”, “My boyfriend needs my support more than I need help at this point”, “I’ll go later when things have settled”.
These excuses have led to my becoming incapable of being alone for extended periods of time without spiraling, binging (of food and/or media), skipping exercise, or isolating myself.
Obviously, I need help.
________
Experience mine and others journeys to and from earth in this personal blogging through my navigating this relatively newly emerging thing in my life called anxiety. I say mine and others because I don’t want to make this simply about what plagues me, but I also want to bring in other voices who live with chronic issues and their stories of victory. Positivity is hard when everything is muddled within and ticking like a time bomb; when food starts to lose it’s flavor; you cannot feel the wind; or, your muscles feel weak although you’ve done nothing but lay down all day. So I hope to not bring some sort of toxic positive message, as some have within the Christian communities, but to dig into my own experience and others to bring a biblical perspective on living life to it’s utmost fullness despite “thorns in the flesh”.
This blog will also operate as a mode of accountability for me to continue going to see my therapist and get to a better place. There are too many great things ahead for me to submit fully to this.
The other night, my boyfriend and I were having a discussion about peace. I asked him what it meant, and to my surprise he said “violence”. A violent act – strong and powerful force – needs to happen to attain peace, and by this I mean a godly peace – not feigned ignorance, but completeness, shalom. And confidence. I am set out to explore what this violent act(s) needs to occur in my story.
I also am going to post my art, music, and resources acquired. I also want to collect the art and music or you out there who have funneled all your experience with mental health into art. If you have art or music that you want to share, please send it to me by emailing contactanxiousanne@gmail.com .
Anxious Anne 