There is this American things, well, maybe it’s not just American, but we are all about taking risks, following your dreams, and listening to your “gut”. There are many problems with this for the average Jane or Joe, but these issues compound when clinical anxiety, depression, PTSD, or the like is present.
The first issue is that following your “gut” avoids calculating risk, effects of the action in the long term, or seeing it’s effect with a wider lens. It is making a decision based on what ultimately suits you or follows the emotional beckoning of the moment.
I think the only times following your “gut” is reasonable is when you are in a situation where you realize danger and need to be only your guard or need to run away. That is just it, though, the gut usually is directly tied to our brain’s “fight or flight” mechanism – usually manifesting as panic or anxiety or adrenaline. Why would you trust this in situations other than being chased or needing to protect or rescue someone? The gut is only trying to preserve itself without care for any one else or even the objective truth.
This is why the worst thing you can tell someone who is struggling with detrimental anxiety/depression/PTSD/Paranoia to just follow what they are feeling when they have to make decisions. What they are likely feeling is “RUNN!!!” even if that would actually be feeding into the anxiety, evading something that needs addressed, or leaving a good thing that’s hard. When someone is in that unbalanced place in their mind, their gut – or you can think of it as their current wiring – is usually avoiding triggers, pain, or uncertainty at all costs. However, they will not improve in that way.
I wrote the song below about 2 years ago, when I first started sharing my own music in public places- the anxiety was real:
What I have been learning in my therapy, research, and online classes and communities I have taken part in the last couple of months is that although it is good to know the things that are causing you anxiety (triggering experiences, memories, words, etc.); it’s often not beneficial to “follow your gut” when they are encountered. The gut reaction here is fear, running, and hiding… however, one cannot heal or rewire their brain this way. Anxiety, PTSD, and OCD has caused me great levels of distrust – of my own thoughts mainly, and of other people. It tells me that my thoughts are the enemy and all those who have ever hurt me are the enemy. This is my gut response.
I have been working on what I have often heard called “leaning in” to the discomfort. If something triggers me, instead of questioning the cause of the anxiety to death, I just allow myself to sit with it and let it pass. If I need to make a decision and anxiety is right there thinking it’s going to help me make the decisions like it always has, I remind myself that either I don’t need to make or shouldn’t make any choices now; or, that I should not make a choice based upon fear.
Today, I have pretty much been anxious since the moment I woke up. I wonder if my anxiety medication dose is STILL too low, or if it was because I stayed up until 1am working on finances and rushed out of the door to work… every negative thought, feeling, or memory is congregating at the door of my mind, waiting to do what it is used to doing. My gut is screaming to let all the fearful thoughts in because “we gotta fix this somehow”. But, I won’t do that. Instead, I will acknowledge my old friends, wave at them through the gate, but say that I am busy right now and can’t entertain them. Instead, I think I’ll take a walk on this fine late winter, warm afternoon, read a good book, visit my parents, and listen to some live music.
-Bethany
Featured song below, a favorite of mine, aptly describes much of what I wrote about. “The Draw” Live String Version by Bastille:
I mainly speak of anxiety, depression, PTSD, or OCD here. If you have another condition that relates to something of an addiction, at least in the beginning stages, triggering people, places, or things should be avoided until you gain more control and heal.
I found this unfinished draft from a couple months ago and it was very interesting to view it from a more healthy standpoint:
“I have watched my life take a turn for the worst. I will not try to make things sound better than they have been. Currently, I cannot see any silver-lining, and it’s as if I am incapable of doing so. I have had to rely on everyone else in my life to provide me with hope, remind me what I love, and help me see past the tip of my nose.”
“So, I say “Hello!” from the rabbit hole. I am not sure who I say hello to, or what purpose it serves, but I will throw out my words into the abyss that lay before me, seeing what it returns.”
“I started anti-depressant medication a bit over a week ago, it’s to treat multiple ailments- anxiety, panic, depression, PTSD and a newly discovered friend OCD (turns out it can pertain to various things). I read up about the medication, Sertraline, and how most people – including my father- experienced their own personal hell for the first few weeks. So, this is where I currently float: a personal hell. Up is down, down is up, and with no end in sight I flail endlessly in this land of horror.”
An actually moment from the Rabbit Hole, I looked so tired and done. (I was taking a theology class, btw)
“I have discovered intrusive thoughts followed by OCD thought cycles as my main nemesis. I wake up most mornings being interrupted immediately by a “what if?” or “should” thought that usually taps into a deep fear of mine. It may be a genuine doubt or concern, but immediately my mind surmises that something must be done about it, or else face indefinite pain and misery. The thing is, most people experience feelings or thoughts of doubt, or about possibilities but can see them as non-harmful thoughts that pass by their mind’s eye. My mind sees them as a threat, as a virus, and plans and concocts what it must do to get rid of the pain it triggered, and do it fast.”
“This makes me fall into an obsessive thinking, mind trap, blowing up the concern- real or not- into something so big, it is as insurmountable as Mount Everest. Yet, my mind treks up the cold tundra alone, getting higher, and higher in altitude, losing air, making thoughts even more wild… This mountain, alas, is created by my mind, and I am simply doing mental aerobics, treading air, and to no end or avail. Once I realize it’s fruitless, and there is no solution in sight, I am already deep into the thought cycle.”
“I have two choices at this point: do some sort of compulsive activity to convince myself I’m okay (this can be with people, too) which will perpetuate the cyclic thinking; or, I can step back and realize I am in need, sit with the uncomfortable thought and let it pass rather than acting on a compulsion (in my case it was often excessive googling of my problems).”
I now sit here, mentally more healthy, and having taken back more control of my life. I have been taking an online course for the type of OCD I struggle with (Relationship OCD, or rOCD), and have been more actively seeking out resources and healthy ways to cope and heal.
Part of me taking more control of my life- and my struggles mainly relationship centric- is learning to stand up for myself in relationships and not tolerate things that have been hurtful or damaging to me. This looks like setting boundaries and healthy expectations for people who want to be close to me and practicing a little self-respect.
This also means breaking the cycles within which I am so fearful of the thoughts of others, and so susceptible to their opinions, that I consistently give all my own power away – thus I lose what makes me, me. I have not realized until this past year how I give the power for my decision making easily into the hands of other people. Usually voluntarily because I am so scared of losing their respect or love. If I agree with them and go along with everything, I won’t mess up this relationship, and I will remain in their affections… maybe they will love and appreciate me more.
With this defense mechanism that keeps people from truly knowing me and being vulnerable, I started to be driven to anxious extremes where my mind and then body was crying out to me and trying to signal that something needed attention, but I wasn’t listening. I was too scared of losing love and acceptance from others… even though I know for me, a lot of this can be traced back to trauma (as it was something subconsciously done), but it is at it’s core selfish. Love only occurs between any two people when each allows the other to see their true self.
I realize that I do this thing I’ll call mirroring. I mirror to the other person what I think they want to see, or even start to look like them in some ways, even if it’s not me at all. This causes a rift in my mind, and I begin to lose touch with my own needs, and my mind is only centered around the other person’s. My brain rationalizes it as being “selfless”, but really if I am hiding hurt, pain, or even irritation from someone it is not only disingenuous, but it is cruel because only resentment grows for them under a veneer of false “love”.
I have also realized in these past few months parts of my relationships with those around me are in need of repair, and as I see them repairing, I reach more soundness of mind as a result. Probably one of the biggest healing relationships for me has been with my mom. We have reconciled a lot of the unhealthy and broken parts of our relationship in the last year and have reached new levels of trust and friendship as we navigate our relationship – adult daughter and mother. Her support and validation of my feelings and choices, without a speck of judgement, has been one of the most healing things I have experienced. I notice things begin to align in my mind that have been out of place or broken for years… I don’t feel at the mercy of her expectations, but I just feel supported and loved.
Me and my lovely mom
I have a few more relationships on the list – with which I need to forgive, or ask forgiveness, or actively work out that reconciliation – and I am curious the rifts that will close when these occur. I am also looking forward to meeting “me”, the truer “me” that hides behind the will of other people. The “me” that God formed in my mother’s womb, and created to do amazing things for him that only I can do.
I realize, however, that I am not me without the people around me who love me… I can only become the truer “me” when I open up to love others, and be loved truly – disrupting my constructed paradigms.
My roomies always have a listening ear ❤
Note: I want to say that I hear a lot of speculation about “mental health”. I will say that unless you have experienced issues here, it is hard to understand. I don’t place it in importance above or below physical health issues… I see the body as a whole: mental, physical, spiritual. Mental health issues specifically refer to disorders occurring in the brain – which is an organ (so it could be contended that mental health is actually also under the physical health umbrella).
I think what trips people up is that treatment of mental health issues is largely subjective. Some people just need to talk things out to fix an issue occurring in their brain (such as if they are experiencing high levels of stress, which causes an imbalance in certain hormones and chemical functions). Psychology is a confounding practice, in my opinion, because the psychologist is essentially using techniques by way of questions, visualization, exercises, to “operate” on the abstract thing that is the mind – but changes are occurring in the physical organ in the brain if the treatment works. One thing I have noticed is that treatment is often only effective with a therapist if the patient is all in, and truly opens up and is vulnerable with the therapist. So really, it’s borrowing the wisdom and friendship (although it remains in the room) of another human.
Other patients will need to take medications that alters their brains chemical state in an effort to bring it back to a functional state. Some return to a “normal” after a few short months, and some are on medication for the remainder of their lives. Some people have such an imbalance or damage that they need to receive experimental treatments.
All aspects of our health can and usually do affect the other: chronic illness usually contributes to fatigue, then to depression/anxiety, then to disconnection with self and others (let’s call that spiritual health). Enter in on any one of these aspects and it’s the same: you are depressed/stressed, this leads to fatigue and lack of care for body, which can lead to chronic pains or sickness, and then disconnection. Or, you are disconnected with someone, this causes you to be depressed, thus your physical health goes down the drain.
If you are struggling to forgive or reconcile in relationships, a resource that was very helpful and insight was the book Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair With Punishment by Danny Silk. I don’t endorse the teaching of Bethel Ministries, but this book is sound and I recommend it!
I struggled to get started writing this post. I told myself as I started this blog that I was going to allow myself to write diary-like entries and not overthink. Nevertheless, I found myself thinking to myself it has to be a certain way and I need to be clear and concise. Perhaps, my wanting to be clear isn’t so bad, but I started to construct strategy so as to come across in a certain way rather than just being true to my vision for the blog – rip open my heart for others to take a peak.
Posting here because I think it’s funny hehe
NOTE: Music featured and tied to this post is both in the middle and at the end. You don’t wanna miss it.
So, where are we… oh, yea, the process (continual process) of me finding my own voice.
Well, most of this has happened since I began therapy two years ago. It’s not that I wasn’t joyful, happy before, or that I was a liar… it’s just that parts of my being whole as a human had been suppressed.
One day in early January 2017, my world as I knew it was shattered into a million pieces as a memory resurfaced. My mind and body became racked with PTSD. That can mean different things for different people. First, I was in shock, then I was angry, and then I mourned. I was completely broken. I withdrew from all ministry and extra-curricular (I was in my junior year at college) not from shame, but simply because my mind and body could not handle it all. At the same time, everything made sense. All of my crippling timidity, consistent self-sabotage, self-hatred, chronic self-blame, and distrust of people began to make complete sense. I almost felt relieved.
During that time, I remember simply not caring as much about my appearance as I used to… I couldn’t afford the stress. So, one day, where I was feeling particularly numb towards life, I came to school wearing the utmost baggy and unflattering clothing – an ill-fitting, old grey sweater draped over me like a security blanket. Disheveled, unwashed hair, unwashed face… this was actually the beginnings of regaining my voice. At least I was being honest.
First song I posted on SoundCloud, a cover and not my own, but I was able to use it to begin the journey of sharing my voice through music that night Sept 7, 2017 with this imperfect, one-take recording.
It has been a journey since then. Especially as I have grown into a *proper* adult, crawled out from my parent’s protective emotional covering, and have been tried and tested in new and unexpected ways. Most of these trials have revolved around interacting with humans, which makes complete sense considering I had, unbeknownst to me, been hiding away parts of myself; and, was a scared little girl just trying to please everyone so they wouldn’t get upset at me.
Honestly, I felt good after I *completed* my therapy Spring 2018. I felt confident in myself. I felt invincible. This quickly dissipated as I got myself involved in an unhealthy relationship that I had to cut off. However, I didn’t cut things off like I used to with people (friendships or romance), which was usually either silently disappearing or a wordless door slam. I decided that I had to speak my mind, my needs, and open up a conversation with the person rather than seeing their flaws or wrongs, then disappearing or cutting them out. Luckily this person was open to any sort of conversation. However, with a push from friends, I was able to cut it off because I knew it was going nowhere and was unhealthy with no prospects of repair. I only knew this because instead of running, I decided to push closer to the other human and open a dialogue. This was out of respect for them and myself. My old ways were simply self-preservation.
Started sharing my own music in 2018.
I cried for a week straight. A. Week. Even though it was a short-lived relationship. I cried for regret, for deceiving myself again, and because I thought I was better now and wouldn’t make those mistakes anymore. BUT, I also cried for relief because I had done better at saying everything I needed to say to that person and ending on good, clear terms.
My boyfriend said to me recently that I always seem to be struggling with something, and sometimes he is nervous that something is “bubbling” within me and gonna explode at any moment. He was just vocalizing a concern, but I saw it as an invitation to be more forward with him when thoughts began to spiral or doubts regarding our relationship fester.
He is not completely wrong to feel that way. This nothing-to-catastrophe way of dealing with things has been a problem for me. Most of the problem lies in silencing my voice when a less than savory thought enters my head, even if small or trivial, because I don’t want to disturb the other person; or, out of an unwillingness to explore deeper fears OR needs that lie within. As a result, the anxiety that I have been experiencing feeds on that negativity, tension, OR ambiguity and brings it to catastrophic levels. At that point, there lies in me a need to burst.
Promotional graphic from my second “show”. Having fun and being me.
It seems rather than being completely vulnerable with others and allowing them into my processing of doubts, concerns, vices, etc., I try my hand at configuring them – an impossible task when I have only my view and fear to dictate answers – only to be sucked into that fear vortex. Lately my body has been physically manifesting this anxious thinking by way of feeling “on fire”, numb, tingly, chest pain, and the feelings of needing to crawl out of my skin. I have noticed that these symptoms reduce at least 50%, sometimes 100%, when I reach out to someone to vent or process with, or if I directly address my needs or concerns to the relevant person.
What am I most afraid of? What makes me choose an isolated, crazed state over a connected, less crazed, emotionally free state?
It is fear of rejection of my doubts, needs, and concerns, because they may relate to that person and be challenging to them or even hurtful.
It is a fear of disappointment. That what I ask of others will be either impossible, refused completely, misunderstood, or in the end they cannot fulfill them.
Turns out I fear putting any sort of expectation on people. Yet, still I somehow put expectation on them without sharing… for my loved ones, the frustration becomes a feeling of uncertain expectation. It is clear to me now, that the expectation I have, but am afraid to admit, is that I want to be completely understood. I want to feel complete security. I want evidence every second to calm my nerves… an impossible task.
Talking at a songwriter feature event. Being completely vulnerable about the stories behind my songs.
Yet, the cynical side of me – no doubt laced with lies from the farthest reaches of hell – battles fiercely with that. No one can understand you at all. You aren’t actually worth your needs being met. There exists no one who will listen and consider your needs or expectations. No human can love your needy self, neither is anyone ever going to rise to your standards. You’ll regret ever trusting anyone and will be devastated in the end. Why even say anything. It’s hopeless. It will come to nothing. Just keep hiding it. Eventually you’ll figure it out. Just keep turning it over. No, God won’t help, he will just make you feel bad. He will just remind you how weak and incompetent you are…
As I have learned to use my voice gradually these last few years, I have noticed that people worth keeping close and trusting will (1) Listen actively to your needs, (2) Respond to them by opening a dialogue and compromise where appropriate, (3) Seek to meet your needs while keeping their own healthy boundaries established, (4) Make their needs known as well, (5) Show physical evidence of their efforts over time, (6) Be willing to revisit the conversation when needed, and (7) Won’t make you feel bad for having needs, but also won’t hold back criticism when it’s due.
Notice how I did not once say that my needs would be anticipated by those
After voicing my needs to see this goober (we were long distance, but not “official” per se), we arranged for my seeing him in Chicago. No matter where the Lord leads us, I’m glad you are in my life Matthew. I love you.
who love me… sure, over time, as we grow closer to people we can anticipate some needs. However, no human can anticipate or always read what you need without being explicitly told. We chose what kind of relationships we want. Even so, no human can perfectly fulfill my needs.
I have been relying too much on my boyfriend lately. Feeling upset at him because he is not perfect and has hurt me, because he cannot read my needs as they seem to hang heavy in the air, because he doesn’t seem as constantly worried about the problems in each of us and as a couple. And yet, every time I come to him with my needs or concerns he listens willingly, takes them into consideration, we open a dialogue (sometimes a bit messy and sometimes takes a multiple tries) to talk about what can be done to honor us both; he attempts to see my perspective and doesn’t make me feel bad for it, yet he also offers feedback exploring if certain fears or insecurities might be fueling my concerns.
Starting to express myself more, even down to my look in Fall 2018 (chopped locks, confident expression) Yes, that’s a yellow stain I didn’t notice was on my sleeve haha
Only God can see my needs, anticipate them, and only He can minister to my soul on a deeper spiritual level. I shouldn’t put this burden completely on others… I feel that with trusting in God alone over humans, I can then voice my needs without fear to people, knowing that they won’t be able to complete me and being okay with that. In his abundant grace and creativity, God can use them to minister to me. Everything good comes from him and is miraculous.
As I turn to God, pour out my anxiety and messy, irrational emotions to him, he hears me clearer, understands my needs deeper, and knows how to supply my needs better than anyone will ever be able. The more I trust that he hears me, the more that I can find that voice to bring out into the world to the ears of his created ones that they, too, will know of my God who does and will supply all my needs.
NOTE #2: After I finished this, I realized there will be a part 3… stay tuned. I will talk more about how the “reversal” in my present life.
Lord,
I am sorry for putting my trust in other people around me to completely fill all my needs. Nothing can truly satisfy me but you. Please help me to better voice my needs to others so that I can develop deeper, truer relationships that honor you and showcase your love. Help me to not trust anxiety as I grapple with concerns in my mind, but help me to put those anxieties regarding myself and others to rest by continuing to communicate them to loved ones, knowing that you created me not to live alone but to lean on others.
Your daughter by Grace,
Bethany
MUSIC FEATURE:
This song hit my like a ton of bricks today. Non-explicit version below this one.
Turns out the main singer of this amazing group, Chad Gardner, took this song directly from his own journal. The main singer deals with severe anxiety and experiences panic attacks on the regular. What a testimony. He presses through, with his voice shaking, language harsh, and brings his needs before God. He explodes with emotion at the end, rejoicing in the promises of God despite his questions and anxious fears that are “f**king violent”.
Help me to trust in you alone, God. Trust your promises.
Anxious Anne 