I have reached a new phase of my mental health journey.
A year ago, I was just beginning to experience new levels of anxiety, and what I can now see as Relationship OCD and Scrupulosity.
Me, this time last year- when I started to descend quickly into an abyss of self-destruction- always tired and ignoring my needs
I was always getting triggered and my mind descending into chaos. Not being able to relax and be alone anymore. Eventually, from the moment I woke up I was attacked mercilessly with intrusive thoughts, and sometimes I was up in the night panicking at fake threats or possibilities.
Now, I am… well, bored. And I have never been more happy to be so.
I say bored because my mind spent an entire year – 2019 was a dark year – with obsessive thoughts that eventually gave way to compulsions, which fueled high anxiety from dawn until dusk.
Now, my mind is unfamiliar and clear.
Through lots of work with my therapist (I found someone who specializes in what I needed; I recommend this if you can find one); joined an online course and community focusing on Relationship OCD (Check out Awaken Into Love here); worked for reconciliation in relationship that needed repairing; resolving some of my anger and disappointment towards God; tending to my dilapidated physical health; seeking out various literature and resources; and leaning hard on my loved ones… As a result, I have experienced levels of mental boredom and healthy emotional regulation that I don’t think I have before.
Healthy in Spring 2020. Reveling in the glow emanating from a more healed, whole, and renewed mind and body. Thank you, Lord!
When I say I’m happy, it doesn’t mean I’ve found some crazy enlightenment in anything I’ve done, per se. I just am more WHOLE. I have grace towards myself when I fail, get anxious, give into a compulsion, or regress. Therefore, I am able to be more understanding towards others as well.
I am doing the work. I am able to decide which thoughts to entertain, let be, or reject as ridiculous.
I am able to feel awful, sad, or even depressed without it having to mean something huge. And, for me, I haven’t been this happy in a long time- happy because I am taking charge of my life by controlling what I can and letting go of what I can’t. My trust in God is growing as I see how he takes care of me when I let Him.
I have been able to set boundaries with people- I can decide how I am to be treated and what I won’t tolerate. This doesn’t mean I reject the other person, it can actually safeguard and improve a relationship/friendship.
I still deal with anxiety, but am managing it significantly better than even 2 months ago.
I will probably turn my focus for Anxious Anne outwards more, since I have more mental capacity to do so. I want to do more features, interviews, and articles relating to mental health, art, and faith.
Let’s see where this goes!
-Anxious Anne
Music featured:
I created a strings cover of a favorite song called “Take Heart” by Hillsong-
The pursuit of this has been the bane of my existence- perfect hobbies, perfect friends, perfect boyfriend, perfect career, perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect health, perfect relationship with God…
I now know that what I thought was just simply a sense of self-righteousness (which is true!), grew into something more; an obsession. Anxiety and OCD that became my companions in these pursuits: faithful, pushing me towards what I deemed as excellence, making me feel in control, making promises that perfection was just around the corner… they began to grow like thick Boston Ivy, climbing on their own accord as I gave them space upon the walls of my psyche. Soon they penetrated through the windows and intertwined throughout every room and hall. The foliage seemed to whisper, accuse, and call to me as I walked the halls.
Truly, this worked for years. Everything to compromise this perception of my achievement and goodness was hidden away neatly, only making it onto pages of my tear-stained diaries, but often just remaining in my mind to slowly eat away at me.
It wasn’t until I realized this hiding, and started to meet true friends that both supported and challenged me – prying off my facades with tough love – that things started to unravel.
Some of the hardest news for someone suffering from OCD and Anxiety to hear is this: you are a sinner.
Sure, I have heard this my whole life as I sat devoutly Sunday after Sunday, notebook in hand. However, in retrospect, I believe I was jumping through hoop after hoop to escape this reality, to somehow level up through my own striving to earn God’s good graces, and by approval of others, to signify my righteousness, worth, and feel one step closer to perfection.
The Awkward Yeti comics never fail haha
You are a sinner. Is this an accusation? What should I do with this? This is BAD NEWS. This means I will never reach perfection no matter how hard I grasp, and thrash, and obsess.
You are a sinner. Why must I carry this burden? What hope is there for me, then? Why try if this will always be branded on my forehead?
You are a sinner. No… this would mean that I can’t do anything for myself. That I can’t be my own hope, or other people can’t either. This would mean I am vulnerable, will be hurt or hurt others…
You are a sinner, but… but, what? If You are good, what possible goodness could come out of You creating me to fail? What good am I? I can achieve nothing? Life is meaningless if life means pain!
You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. Okay, why would the God of all the universe endure pain, suffering, and the temptations and pitfalls of humanness just to die for failures like us? Couldn’t he just clap his hands and set things in place? Why did he give us choice? Why did he take up our burdens?
You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. You are no longer a slave to that sin. Okay, then why do I still get to “easily entangled” in it- my pride, strife, and apathy? Am I, then, creating the shackles that bind me to the crushing weight of failure? You say I am free now. What can it mean to be both sinner and free? Do you hold the key to unlock those layers upon layers upon layers of shackles?
You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. You are no longer a slave to that sin. My yolk is easy and my burden light. Well, if you say you hold to key to set me free, I guess that would be an easier burden, even though I still live with pain throughout my life. If I am first a sinner and in need of your unlocking the shackles off that sin daily, then I will give you that task. I relinquish that control because it’s too weighty and it’s crushing me. I suppose this is what us humans chose from the beginning – choosing to strive for god-like perfection although we are simply creatures. If you want to take it, then I won’t stop you.
Okay, I am a sinner.
I am a sinner.
I am a sinner, but…
I am a sinner, but Christdied for those sins and I am no longer a slave to them.
This still isn’t good news, it means I must learn to cope with my sinfulness aside from the voices of accusation that OCD and Anxiety has provided – a sort of comfort – for years. This will take time to unravel, cut, and uproot the raging Ivy.
But, I guess this is good news… the voices of accusation hold no weight if I remember that I am, indeed, a sinner, but God sought to end the disparity that comes with that identity, and eventually obliterate it. Truly a weight has lifted. But what do I do with all of this empty space in my brain?
There is no whip cracking to move me along, only kind and merciful direction from God and his Word. Anxiety tries to show up to help me along with decisions, but now I don’t need it anymore…
How do I function without perfection as my goal? How do I function without only relying on myself? This would mean I am truly helpless alone, and would need to rely on others and God to move me through life. I suppose this isn’t a bad thing, but it would require me to relinquish that control, and self-righteous attitude, and be vulnerable before others and trusting of God. This is scary and this is new; but, having the burden of my pride and self-protection has been overwhelming and has broken my mind. I am ready to give it up.
Anxious Anne 