I am really good at coming up with ideas. As a small child, I would fill notebooks with drawings of ideas for clothing, brands, inventions, novel plots, and new worlds. However, nothing really came of any of any of those ideas, I simply kept them in the notebook all shut up. They began to collect dust on the shelf.
I do remember one instance where one of my weird, but complex ideas was put to use. It was seventh or eighth grade, and as a part of a history project, we were to create our own country with it’s own language. I dusted off one of those notebooks within which I had created a people and language, called Navi. (This was way before Avatar came out, so I have concluded my idea stolen hahaha; JK, it never saw light of day from it’s inception at 8 years old until middle school). It was really just a code I had created during my spy phase in late childhood. I even wrote in it fluently in my journals so no one could read my inner most thoughts. I proudly, yet somewhat shyly presented my country. Although everyone was impressed at the detail, of course, it wasn’t as significant as in my eyes. After that, however, the language and thought was less special in my eyes because it was no longer secret. It was no longer my secret little language. I don’t know what there is to that story… maybe just that I have been reluctant to bring my ideas to fruition because I want them to stay ideal – a perfect image in my mind, untainted by reality.
I feel like so many times, I have reached the edge of that new venture, where there was a lot of uncertainty, pumped up with ideas and strategies, and yet something like this happens:
I thought of this clip when I started formulating this blog post in my head. So that anxiety that Mr. Bean felt, and the feeling of everyone watching, is usually something I face when I want to try a new thing that I know will take a lot of courage, persistence, and time. I gleefully see the opportunity and walk up with a sense of excitement; but, once I reach the top and see the view from there, every attempt to leap seems to fail. This new opportunity becomes an illusion, yet I feel I can’t return to where I was… so where to go but nowhere. At least I know what that looks like.
I realize that one does not have to deal with anxiety or the like to experience this. Most people do at some point. However, I have seen this as a trend in my life and it has grown in that sometimes I dread and am anxious to do simple things if they haven’t been done before.
Most of the human population live within the bubble of the familiar, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily if you are one who prefers that predictability. Those dependable, seemingly predictable people are probably needed in society. However, I am not one of those people who long for that predictability. I want adventure and I want to be challenged. The anxiety and OCD that I have dealt with – usually keeping me from taking risks or trying to make things perfect before I risk – really has strangled that inborn desire for adventure. I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to sit back where it was safe or where I didn’t need to be pushed or anything really expected of me. I didn’t want to fail because failure meant becoming vulnerable.
Photo from wandering around in Japan. Traveling to Japan alone was one of the biggest risks I have taken thus far!
There are some things that I realize are beginning to bite me back. I was a very good student throughout my whole life. However, what I thought was a love for learning many times was a desire for validation from my teacher and peers for the marks I received. I was working to get that grade, rather than simply enjoy the material, and take risks in the ideas and questions I put forth. I only raised my hand when I thought my comment or question was perfect, rather than because I was genuinely curious and didn’t care to look a fool. I think near the end of college, I started taking more risks in my essays, and that was when I started failing epically for the first time.
I did take some risks, but usually they were more calculated and safe than one might think. I am not being hard on myself, I think this is all just a part of growth for my story. I am just starting to notice these parts of me that need to wake up if I want to live the kind of life I want to and make the impact I desire.
As I started getting treatment through therapy starting back in 2017, I noticed my ability to have courage and take risks started to increase incrementally. After I emerged from a sort of cocoon phase, I started sharing my music to the public for the first time and doing shows. However, hardship hit again and I seemingly shrunk back into the cocoon.
I have always thought of that as negative. Now, as I am thinking about that analogy, this is not a bad thing. Shrinking back into the cocoon can be seen as a new opportunity to evolve, develop, and grow into something even more beautiful and great. I may not be leaping wildly off into the unknown at present, but I am busy honing in on what needs growth while inside my cocoon. I am at a restful, yet busy phase while in this cocoon.
Thank you for reading this stream-of-thought style post!
There is this American things, well, maybe it’s not just American, but we are all about taking risks, following your dreams, and listening to your “gut”. There are many problems with this for the average Jane or Joe, but these issues compound when clinical anxiety, depression, PTSD, or the like is present.
The first issue is that following your “gut” avoids calculating risk, effects of the action in the long term, or seeing it’s effect with a wider lens. It is making a decision based on what ultimately suits you or follows the emotional beckoning of the moment.
I think the only times following your “gut” is reasonable is when you are in a situation where you realize danger and need to be only your guard or need to run away. That is just it, though, the gut usually is directly tied to our brain’s “fight or flight” mechanism – usually manifesting as panic or anxiety or adrenaline. Why would you trust this in situations other than being chased or needing to protect or rescue someone? The gut is only trying to preserve itself without care for any one else or even the objective truth.
This is why the worst thing you can tell someone who is struggling with detrimental anxiety/depression/PTSD/Paranoia to just follow what they are feeling when they have to make decisions. What they are likely feeling is “RUNN!!!” even if that would actually be feeding into the anxiety, evading something that needs addressed, or leaving a good thing that’s hard. When someone is in that unbalanced place in their mind, their gut – or you can think of it as their current wiring – is usually avoiding triggers, pain, or uncertainty at all costs. However, they will not improve in that way.
I wrote the song below about 2 years ago, when I first started sharing my own music in public places- the anxiety was real:
What I have been learning in my therapy, research, and online classes and communities I have taken part in the last couple of months is that although it is good to know the things that are causing you anxiety (triggering experiences, memories, words, etc.); it’s often not beneficial to “follow your gut” when they are encountered. The gut reaction here is fear, running, and hiding… however, one cannot heal or rewire their brain this way. Anxiety, PTSD, and OCD has caused me great levels of distrust – of my own thoughts mainly, and of other people. It tells me that my thoughts are the enemy and all those who have ever hurt me are the enemy. This is my gut response.
I have been working on what I have often heard called “leaning in” to the discomfort. If something triggers me, instead of questioning the cause of the anxiety to death, I just allow myself to sit with it and let it pass. If I need to make a decision and anxiety is right there thinking it’s going to help me make the decisions like it always has, I remind myself that either I don’t need to make or shouldn’t make any choices now; or, that I should not make a choice based upon fear.
Today, I have pretty much been anxious since the moment I woke up. I wonder if my anxiety medication dose is STILL too low, or if it was because I stayed up until 1am working on finances and rushed out of the door to work… every negative thought, feeling, or memory is congregating at the door of my mind, waiting to do what it is used to doing. My gut is screaming to let all the fearful thoughts in because “we gotta fix this somehow”. But, I won’t do that. Instead, I will acknowledge my old friends, wave at them through the gate, but say that I am busy right now and can’t entertain them. Instead, I think I’ll take a walk on this fine late winter, warm afternoon, read a good book, visit my parents, and listen to some live music.
-Bethany
Featured song below, a favorite of mine, aptly describes much of what I wrote about. “The Draw” Live String Version by Bastille:
I mainly speak of anxiety, depression, PTSD, or OCD here. If you have another condition that relates to something of an addiction, at least in the beginning stages, triggering people, places, or things should be avoided until you gain more control and heal.
I struggled to get started writing this post. I told myself as I started this blog that I was going to allow myself to write diary-like entries and not overthink. Nevertheless, I found myself thinking to myself it has to be a certain way and I need to be clear and concise. Perhaps, my wanting to be clear isn’t so bad, but I started to construct strategy so as to come across in a certain way rather than just being true to my vision for the blog – rip open my heart for others to take a peak.
Posting here because I think it’s funny hehe
NOTE: Music featured and tied to this post is both in the middle and at the end. You don’t wanna miss it.
So, where are we… oh, yea, the process (continual process) of me finding my own voice.
Well, most of this has happened since I began therapy two years ago. It’s not that I wasn’t joyful, happy before, or that I was a liar… it’s just that parts of my being whole as a human had been suppressed.
One day in early January 2017, my world as I knew it was shattered into a million pieces as a memory resurfaced. My mind and body became racked with PTSD. That can mean different things for different people. First, I was in shock, then I was angry, and then I mourned. I was completely broken. I withdrew from all ministry and extra-curricular (I was in my junior year at college) not from shame, but simply because my mind and body could not handle it all. At the same time, everything made sense. All of my crippling timidity, consistent self-sabotage, self-hatred, chronic self-blame, and distrust of people began to make complete sense. I almost felt relieved.
During that time, I remember simply not caring as much about my appearance as I used to… I couldn’t afford the stress. So, one day, where I was feeling particularly numb towards life, I came to school wearing the utmost baggy and unflattering clothing – an ill-fitting, old grey sweater draped over me like a security blanket. Disheveled, unwashed hair, unwashed face… this was actually the beginnings of regaining my voice. At least I was being honest.
First song I posted on SoundCloud, a cover and not my own, but I was able to use it to begin the journey of sharing my voice through music that night Sept 7, 2017 with this imperfect, one-take recording.
It has been a journey since then. Especially as I have grown into a *proper* adult, crawled out from my parent’s protective emotional covering, and have been tried and tested in new and unexpected ways. Most of these trials have revolved around interacting with humans, which makes complete sense considering I had, unbeknownst to me, been hiding away parts of myself; and, was a scared little girl just trying to please everyone so they wouldn’t get upset at me.
Honestly, I felt good after I *completed* my therapy Spring 2018. I felt confident in myself. I felt invincible. This quickly dissipated as I got myself involved in an unhealthy relationship that I had to cut off. However, I didn’t cut things off like I used to with people (friendships or romance), which was usually either silently disappearing or a wordless door slam. I decided that I had to speak my mind, my needs, and open up a conversation with the person rather than seeing their flaws or wrongs, then disappearing or cutting them out. Luckily this person was open to any sort of conversation. However, with a push from friends, I was able to cut it off because I knew it was going nowhere and was unhealthy with no prospects of repair. I only knew this because instead of running, I decided to push closer to the other human and open a dialogue. This was out of respect for them and myself. My old ways were simply self-preservation.
Started sharing my own music in 2018.
I cried for a week straight. A. Week. Even though it was a short-lived relationship. I cried for regret, for deceiving myself again, and because I thought I was better now and wouldn’t make those mistakes anymore. BUT, I also cried for relief because I had done better at saying everything I needed to say to that person and ending on good, clear terms.
My boyfriend said to me recently that I always seem to be struggling with something, and sometimes he is nervous that something is “bubbling” within me and gonna explode at any moment. He was just vocalizing a concern, but I saw it as an invitation to be more forward with him when thoughts began to spiral or doubts regarding our relationship fester.
He is not completely wrong to feel that way. This nothing-to-catastrophe way of dealing with things has been a problem for me. Most of the problem lies in silencing my voice when a less than savory thought enters my head, even if small or trivial, because I don’t want to disturb the other person; or, out of an unwillingness to explore deeper fears OR needs that lie within. As a result, the anxiety that I have been experiencing feeds on that negativity, tension, OR ambiguity and brings it to catastrophic levels. At that point, there lies in me a need to burst.
Promotional graphic from my second “show”. Having fun and being me.
It seems rather than being completely vulnerable with others and allowing them into my processing of doubts, concerns, vices, etc., I try my hand at configuring them – an impossible task when I have only my view and fear to dictate answers – only to be sucked into that fear vortex. Lately my body has been physically manifesting this anxious thinking by way of feeling “on fire”, numb, tingly, chest pain, and the feelings of needing to crawl out of my skin. I have noticed that these symptoms reduce at least 50%, sometimes 100%, when I reach out to someone to vent or process with, or if I directly address my needs or concerns to the relevant person.
What am I most afraid of? What makes me choose an isolated, crazed state over a connected, less crazed, emotionally free state?
It is fear of rejection of my doubts, needs, and concerns, because they may relate to that person and be challenging to them or even hurtful.
It is a fear of disappointment. That what I ask of others will be either impossible, refused completely, misunderstood, or in the end they cannot fulfill them.
Turns out I fear putting any sort of expectation on people. Yet, still I somehow put expectation on them without sharing… for my loved ones, the frustration becomes a feeling of uncertain expectation. It is clear to me now, that the expectation I have, but am afraid to admit, is that I want to be completely understood. I want to feel complete security. I want evidence every second to calm my nerves… an impossible task.
Talking at a songwriter feature event. Being completely vulnerable about the stories behind my songs.
Yet, the cynical side of me – no doubt laced with lies from the farthest reaches of hell – battles fiercely with that. No one can understand you at all. You aren’t actually worth your needs being met. There exists no one who will listen and consider your needs or expectations. No human can love your needy self, neither is anyone ever going to rise to your standards. You’ll regret ever trusting anyone and will be devastated in the end. Why even say anything. It’s hopeless. It will come to nothing. Just keep hiding it. Eventually you’ll figure it out. Just keep turning it over. No, God won’t help, he will just make you feel bad. He will just remind you how weak and incompetent you are…
As I have learned to use my voice gradually these last few years, I have noticed that people worth keeping close and trusting will (1) Listen actively to your needs, (2) Respond to them by opening a dialogue and compromise where appropriate, (3) Seek to meet your needs while keeping their own healthy boundaries established, (4) Make their needs known as well, (5) Show physical evidence of their efforts over time, (6) Be willing to revisit the conversation when needed, and (7) Won’t make you feel bad for having needs, but also won’t hold back criticism when it’s due.
Notice how I did not once say that my needs would be anticipated by those
After voicing my needs to see this goober (we were long distance, but not “official” per se), we arranged for my seeing him in Chicago. No matter where the Lord leads us, I’m glad you are in my life Matthew. I love you.
who love me… sure, over time, as we grow closer to people we can anticipate some needs. However, no human can anticipate or always read what you need without being explicitly told. We chose what kind of relationships we want. Even so, no human can perfectly fulfill my needs.
I have been relying too much on my boyfriend lately. Feeling upset at him because he is not perfect and has hurt me, because he cannot read my needs as they seem to hang heavy in the air, because he doesn’t seem as constantly worried about the problems in each of us and as a couple. And yet, every time I come to him with my needs or concerns he listens willingly, takes them into consideration, we open a dialogue (sometimes a bit messy and sometimes takes a multiple tries) to talk about what can be done to honor us both; he attempts to see my perspective and doesn’t make me feel bad for it, yet he also offers feedback exploring if certain fears or insecurities might be fueling my concerns.
Starting to express myself more, even down to my look in Fall 2018 (chopped locks, confident expression) Yes, that’s a yellow stain I didn’t notice was on my sleeve haha
Only God can see my needs, anticipate them, and only He can minister to my soul on a deeper spiritual level. I shouldn’t put this burden completely on others… I feel that with trusting in God alone over humans, I can then voice my needs without fear to people, knowing that they won’t be able to complete me and being okay with that. In his abundant grace and creativity, God can use them to minister to me. Everything good comes from him and is miraculous.
As I turn to God, pour out my anxiety and messy, irrational emotions to him, he hears me clearer, understands my needs deeper, and knows how to supply my needs better than anyone will ever be able. The more I trust that he hears me, the more that I can find that voice to bring out into the world to the ears of his created ones that they, too, will know of my God who does and will supply all my needs.
NOTE #2: After I finished this, I realized there will be a part 3… stay tuned. I will talk more about how the “reversal” in my present life.
Lord,
I am sorry for putting my trust in other people around me to completely fill all my needs. Nothing can truly satisfy me but you. Please help me to better voice my needs to others so that I can develop deeper, truer relationships that honor you and showcase your love. Help me to not trust anxiety as I grapple with concerns in my mind, but help me to put those anxieties regarding myself and others to rest by continuing to communicate them to loved ones, knowing that you created me not to live alone but to lean on others.
Your daughter by Grace,
Bethany
MUSIC FEATURE:
This song hit my like a ton of bricks today. Non-explicit version below this one.
Turns out the main singer of this amazing group, Chad Gardner, took this song directly from his own journal. The main singer deals with severe anxiety and experiences panic attacks on the regular. What a testimony. He presses through, with his voice shaking, language harsh, and brings his needs before God. He explodes with emotion at the end, rejoicing in the promises of God despite his questions and anxious fears that are “f**king violent”.
Help me to trust in you alone, God. Trust your promises.
Anxious Anne 