I have reached a new phase of my mental health journey.
A year ago, I was just beginning to experience new levels of anxiety, and what I can now see as Relationship OCD and Scrupulosity.
Me, this time last year- when I started to descend quickly into an abyss of self-destruction- always tired and ignoring my needs
I was always getting triggered and my mind descending into chaos. Not being able to relax and be alone anymore. Eventually, from the moment I woke up I was attacked mercilessly with intrusive thoughts, and sometimes I was up in the night panicking at fake threats or possibilities.
Now, I am… well, bored. And I have never been more happy to be so.
I say bored because my mind spent an entire year – 2019 was a dark year – with obsessive thoughts that eventually gave way to compulsions, which fueled high anxiety from dawn until dusk.
Now, my mind is unfamiliar and clear.
Through lots of work with my therapist (I found someone who specializes in what I needed; I recommend this if you can find one); joined an online course and community focusing on Relationship OCD (Check out Awaken Into Love here); worked for reconciliation in relationship that needed repairing; resolving some of my anger and disappointment towards God; tending to my dilapidated physical health; seeking out various literature and resources; and leaning hard on my loved ones… As a result, I have experienced levels of mental boredom and healthy emotional regulation that I don’t think I have before.
Healthy in Spring 2020. Reveling in the glow emanating from a more healed, whole, and renewed mind and body. Thank you, Lord!
When I say I’m happy, it doesn’t mean I’ve found some crazy enlightenment in anything I’ve done, per se. I just am more WHOLE. I have grace towards myself when I fail, get anxious, give into a compulsion, or regress. Therefore, I am able to be more understanding towards others as well.
I am doing the work. I am able to decide which thoughts to entertain, let be, or reject as ridiculous.
I am able to feel awful, sad, or even depressed without it having to mean something huge. And, for me, I haven’t been this happy in a long time- happy because I am taking charge of my life by controlling what I can and letting go of what I can’t. My trust in God is growing as I see how he takes care of me when I let Him.
I have been able to set boundaries with people- I can decide how I am to be treated and what I won’t tolerate. This doesn’t mean I reject the other person, it can actually safeguard and improve a relationship/friendship.
I still deal with anxiety, but am managing it significantly better than even 2 months ago.
I will probably turn my focus for Anxious Anne outwards more, since I have more mental capacity to do so. I want to do more features, interviews, and articles relating to mental health, art, and faith.
Let’s see where this goes!
-Anxious Anne
Music featured:
I created a strings cover of a favorite song called “Take Heart” by Hillsong-
I have lived in ignorance of the effects of the quarantine on my life…
We are reaching week number six of the mandated social distancing disorder. I am truly starting to feel it. Even though I am more fortunate than some, with more of a structure to my life, still. I feel like I am floating through life these days. I have this image of a grand, celestial calendar and I am just floating through the weeks and days, inertia carrying me forward.
“Time-space Distancing 2020” by Bethany Porter
At first, as an introvert, I enjoyed the lack of social pressure to go do certain things. My social energy didn’t have to be spread as thin and I could just focus on a very small group of people.
However, about three weeks in, I started to ruminate on different thoughts- usually relating to people in my life whose life has been affected by the social distancing. Next, someone who had been a fixture in my near daily life for the last couple of years died suddenly.
The sudden death mixed with the uncertainty of the quarantine and it’s compounding effect on my and other people’s progress in life started to wear away at my confidence and my ease.
Certain compulsions have come back- some trite ones being eating more dessert and watch TV to emotionally cope, but some more detrimental. I am pretty sure some of us can relate.
There have been some positive effects, too. I have had more opportunities to learn some valuable skills that are pluses as an artist/musician in this digital age. I have had time to attend to some to do list items and finally purchase a shag rug to cover my cheap, thin carpeted floors. I have developed wonderful evening stretching and physical therapy routines. I have also spent some quality time with my roommates and we have bonded in ways we never could have without the quarantine.
My mind is buzzing as the end of the social order (well, who knows if it will be the end) is fast approaching. This will not only mark the end of a very difficult yet enlightening period, but also the beginning of an EVEN MORE uncertain period where anything can happen. The virus could come back. We may see our life very slowly returning to normal, or NEVER returning to normal. Actions long planned could dissolve, adapt, or be completely replaced.
Excuse the language… but it’s apt to my brain lately!! “All will go to crap” is the general feeling.
I will say I am grateful for the things I’ve learned. But my mind is starting to build up with all sorts of thoughts and feelings – feeding the anxieties – and is weighing me down and causing my neck to hurt. I am ready for gravity to come back and these thoughts, plans, and intents to be able to move forward.
I am really good at coming up with ideas. As a small child, I would fill notebooks with drawings of ideas for clothing, brands, inventions, novel plots, and new worlds. However, nothing really came of any of any of those ideas, I simply kept them in the notebook all shut up. They began to collect dust on the shelf.
I do remember one instance where one of my weird, but complex ideas was put to use. It was seventh or eighth grade, and as a part of a history project, we were to create our own country with it’s own language. I dusted off one of those notebooks within which I had created a people and language, called Navi. (This was way before Avatar came out, so I have concluded my idea stolen hahaha; JK, it never saw light of day from it’s inception at 8 years old until middle school). It was really just a code I had created during my spy phase in late childhood. I even wrote in it fluently in my journals so no one could read my inner most thoughts. I proudly, yet somewhat shyly presented my country. Although everyone was impressed at the detail, of course, it wasn’t as significant as in my eyes. After that, however, the language and thought was less special in my eyes because it was no longer secret. It was no longer my secret little language. I don’t know what there is to that story… maybe just that I have been reluctant to bring my ideas to fruition because I want them to stay ideal – a perfect image in my mind, untainted by reality.
I feel like so many times, I have reached the edge of that new venture, where there was a lot of uncertainty, pumped up with ideas and strategies, and yet something like this happens:
I thought of this clip when I started formulating this blog post in my head. So that anxiety that Mr. Bean felt, and the feeling of everyone watching, is usually something I face when I want to try a new thing that I know will take a lot of courage, persistence, and time. I gleefully see the opportunity and walk up with a sense of excitement; but, once I reach the top and see the view from there, every attempt to leap seems to fail. This new opportunity becomes an illusion, yet I feel I can’t return to where I was… so where to go but nowhere. At least I know what that looks like.
I realize that one does not have to deal with anxiety or the like to experience this. Most people do at some point. However, I have seen this as a trend in my life and it has grown in that sometimes I dread and am anxious to do simple things if they haven’t been done before.
Most of the human population live within the bubble of the familiar, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily if you are one who prefers that predictability. Those dependable, seemingly predictable people are probably needed in society. However, I am not one of those people who long for that predictability. I want adventure and I want to be challenged. The anxiety and OCD that I have dealt with – usually keeping me from taking risks or trying to make things perfect before I risk – really has strangled that inborn desire for adventure. I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to sit back where it was safe or where I didn’t need to be pushed or anything really expected of me. I didn’t want to fail because failure meant becoming vulnerable.
Photo from wandering around in Japan. Traveling to Japan alone was one of the biggest risks I have taken thus far!
There are some things that I realize are beginning to bite me back. I was a very good student throughout my whole life. However, what I thought was a love for learning many times was a desire for validation from my teacher and peers for the marks I received. I was working to get that grade, rather than simply enjoy the material, and take risks in the ideas and questions I put forth. I only raised my hand when I thought my comment or question was perfect, rather than because I was genuinely curious and didn’t care to look a fool. I think near the end of college, I started taking more risks in my essays, and that was when I started failing epically for the first time.
I did take some risks, but usually they were more calculated and safe than one might think. I am not being hard on myself, I think this is all just a part of growth for my story. I am just starting to notice these parts of me that need to wake up if I want to live the kind of life I want to and make the impact I desire.
As I started getting treatment through therapy starting back in 2017, I noticed my ability to have courage and take risks started to increase incrementally. After I emerged from a sort of cocoon phase, I started sharing my music to the public for the first time and doing shows. However, hardship hit again and I seemingly shrunk back into the cocoon.
I have always thought of that as negative. Now, as I am thinking about that analogy, this is not a bad thing. Shrinking back into the cocoon can be seen as a new opportunity to evolve, develop, and grow into something even more beautiful and great. I may not be leaping wildly off into the unknown at present, but I am busy honing in on what needs growth while inside my cocoon. I am at a restful, yet busy phase while in this cocoon.
Thank you for reading this stream-of-thought style post!
I found this unfinished draft from a couple months ago and it was very interesting to view it from a more healthy standpoint:
“I have watched my life take a turn for the worst. I will not try to make things sound better than they have been. Currently, I cannot see any silver-lining, and it’s as if I am incapable of doing so. I have had to rely on everyone else in my life to provide me with hope, remind me what I love, and help me see past the tip of my nose.”
“So, I say “Hello!” from the rabbit hole. I am not sure who I say hello to, or what purpose it serves, but I will throw out my words into the abyss that lay before me, seeing what it returns.”
“I started anti-depressant medication a bit over a week ago, it’s to treat multiple ailments- anxiety, panic, depression, PTSD and a newly discovered friend OCD (turns out it can pertain to various things). I read up about the medication, Sertraline, and how most people – including my father- experienced their own personal hell for the first few weeks. So, this is where I currently float: a personal hell. Up is down, down is up, and with no end in sight I flail endlessly in this land of horror.”
An actually moment from the Rabbit Hole, I looked so tired and done. (I was taking a theology class, btw)
“I have discovered intrusive thoughts followed by OCD thought cycles as my main nemesis. I wake up most mornings being interrupted immediately by a “what if?” or “should” thought that usually taps into a deep fear of mine. It may be a genuine doubt or concern, but immediately my mind surmises that something must be done about it, or else face indefinite pain and misery. The thing is, most people experience feelings or thoughts of doubt, or about possibilities but can see them as non-harmful thoughts that pass by their mind’s eye. My mind sees them as a threat, as a virus, and plans and concocts what it must do to get rid of the pain it triggered, and do it fast.”
“This makes me fall into an obsessive thinking, mind trap, blowing up the concern- real or not- into something so big, it is as insurmountable as Mount Everest. Yet, my mind treks up the cold tundra alone, getting higher, and higher in altitude, losing air, making thoughts even more wild… This mountain, alas, is created by my mind, and I am simply doing mental aerobics, treading air, and to no end or avail. Once I realize it’s fruitless, and there is no solution in sight, I am already deep into the thought cycle.”
“I have two choices at this point: do some sort of compulsive activity to convince myself I’m okay (this can be with people, too) which will perpetuate the cyclic thinking; or, I can step back and realize I am in need, sit with the uncomfortable thought and let it pass rather than acting on a compulsion (in my case it was often excessive googling of my problems).”
I now sit here, mentally more healthy, and having taken back more control of my life. I have been taking an online course for the type of OCD I struggle with (Relationship OCD, or rOCD), and have been more actively seeking out resources and healthy ways to cope and heal.
Part of me taking more control of my life- and my struggles mainly relationship centric- is learning to stand up for myself in relationships and not tolerate things that have been hurtful or damaging to me. This looks like setting boundaries and healthy expectations for people who want to be close to me and practicing a little self-respect.
This also means breaking the cycles within which I am so fearful of the thoughts of others, and so susceptible to their opinions, that I consistently give all my own power away – thus I lose what makes me, me. I have not realized until this past year how I give the power for my decision making easily into the hands of other people. Usually voluntarily because I am so scared of losing their respect or love. If I agree with them and go along with everything, I won’t mess up this relationship, and I will remain in their affections… maybe they will love and appreciate me more.
With this defense mechanism that keeps people from truly knowing me and being vulnerable, I started to be driven to anxious extremes where my mind and then body was crying out to me and trying to signal that something needed attention, but I wasn’t listening. I was too scared of losing love and acceptance from others… even though I know for me, a lot of this can be traced back to trauma (as it was something subconsciously done), but it is at it’s core selfish. Love only occurs between any two people when each allows the other to see their true self.
I realize that I do this thing I’ll call mirroring. I mirror to the other person what I think they want to see, or even start to look like them in some ways, even if it’s not me at all. This causes a rift in my mind, and I begin to lose touch with my own needs, and my mind is only centered around the other person’s. My brain rationalizes it as being “selfless”, but really if I am hiding hurt, pain, or even irritation from someone it is not only disingenuous, but it is cruel because only resentment grows for them under a veneer of false “love”.
I have also realized in these past few months parts of my relationships with those around me are in need of repair, and as I see them repairing, I reach more soundness of mind as a result. Probably one of the biggest healing relationships for me has been with my mom. We have reconciled a lot of the unhealthy and broken parts of our relationship in the last year and have reached new levels of trust and friendship as we navigate our relationship – adult daughter and mother. Her support and validation of my feelings and choices, without a speck of judgement, has been one of the most healing things I have experienced. I notice things begin to align in my mind that have been out of place or broken for years… I don’t feel at the mercy of her expectations, but I just feel supported and loved.
Me and my lovely mom
I have a few more relationships on the list – with which I need to forgive, or ask forgiveness, or actively work out that reconciliation – and I am curious the rifts that will close when these occur. I am also looking forward to meeting “me”, the truer “me” that hides behind the will of other people. The “me” that God formed in my mother’s womb, and created to do amazing things for him that only I can do.
I realize, however, that I am not me without the people around me who love me… I can only become the truer “me” when I open up to love others, and be loved truly – disrupting my constructed paradigms.
My roomies always have a listening ear ❤
Note: I want to say that I hear a lot of speculation about “mental health”. I will say that unless you have experienced issues here, it is hard to understand. I don’t place it in importance above or below physical health issues… I see the body as a whole: mental, physical, spiritual. Mental health issues specifically refer to disorders occurring in the brain – which is an organ (so it could be contended that mental health is actually also under the physical health umbrella).
I think what trips people up is that treatment of mental health issues is largely subjective. Some people just need to talk things out to fix an issue occurring in their brain (such as if they are experiencing high levels of stress, which causes an imbalance in certain hormones and chemical functions). Psychology is a confounding practice, in my opinion, because the psychologist is essentially using techniques by way of questions, visualization, exercises, to “operate” on the abstract thing that is the mind – but changes are occurring in the physical organ in the brain if the treatment works. One thing I have noticed is that treatment is often only effective with a therapist if the patient is all in, and truly opens up and is vulnerable with the therapist. So really, it’s borrowing the wisdom and friendship (although it remains in the room) of another human.
Other patients will need to take medications that alters their brains chemical state in an effort to bring it back to a functional state. Some return to a “normal” after a few short months, and some are on medication for the remainder of their lives. Some people have such an imbalance or damage that they need to receive experimental treatments.
All aspects of our health can and usually do affect the other: chronic illness usually contributes to fatigue, then to depression/anxiety, then to disconnection with self and others (let’s call that spiritual health). Enter in on any one of these aspects and it’s the same: you are depressed/stressed, this leads to fatigue and lack of care for body, which can lead to chronic pains or sickness, and then disconnection. Or, you are disconnected with someone, this causes you to be depressed, thus your physical health goes down the drain.
If you are struggling to forgive or reconcile in relationships, a resource that was very helpful and insight was the book Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair With Punishment by Danny Silk. I don’t endorse the teaching of Bethel Ministries, but this book is sound and I recommend it!
Anxious Anne 