Anxious Anne

I held on, almost in desperation, to my loving boyfriend. I felt as if gravity was reversing and sucking me up feet first into the sky. The fatigue that racked my body almost didn’t seem real… so I held on, fighting not to give in to the pull.

“I’m sorry, babe. I can’t be present with you right now. I feel so sick. I feel like I’m not even here, but in a dream.“

“It’s fine, you don’t need to try to be anything.”

My body tightened. I could not believe that. I could not accept it…I was fighting to simply be.

I was so frustrated. The prior evening was characterized by loving communication and trust building. 24 hours later, my physical fatigue was pulling me away from this beautiful, simple moment of walking through the cool, summer evening with my love.

Which came first? Anxious thoughts that I tried shoving out of the door of my mind only to physically manifest as exhaustion for the impossible endeavor? Or was my indigestion giving irrational anxiety to interpret my experience? Either way, I was detached completely from sensation external and internal. Although I remember being held for nearly ten minutes, my memory is void of emotion or any feeling or affection. Though, I know in that moment I was loved, and tried my best to receive it, I cannot remember it…

I wasn’t lying either. I love him. But I remember nothing of feeling this since my mind has been drifting frequently to and from earth this week. My memories are fading into nothing but black and white reel in my mind, parts of the film distorted, expressions changed from joyous to withered with apathy or weariness. How can I continue to grow in love when I keep forgetting?

It is as if the claws of PTSD are trying to grab a memory and cast it into the void of space, never to be enjoyed again, assure my bonds with others, retell of God’s goodness, getting smaller as it floats away by inertia…but why is my mind trying to bury good memories? Why is my mind alerting every small disturbance as reason to run away, cut ties with those I love most, and go…nowhere?

I have been playing phone tag with my therapist these last few days.

“I need to go see my therapist.”

I have stated this an embarrassing number of times since my boyfriend came back to live in our hometown, but still haven’t acted. I could feel the push and tug of anxiety. Coasting blissfully and in control for weeks only to have one negative experience pull me away from earth again. Or I would crash to earth, burrowed in a hole of depression.

My excuses: “I don’t have time”, “My boyfriend needs my support more than I need help at this point”, “I’ll go later when things have settled”.

These excuses have led to my becoming incapable of being alone for extended periods of time without spiraling, binging (of food and/or media), skipping exercise, or isolating myself.

Obviously, I need help.

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Experience mine and others journeys to and from earth in this personal blogging through my navigating this relatively newly emerging thing in my life called anxiety. I say mine and others because I don’t want to make this simply about what plagues me, but I also want to bring in other voices who live with chronic issues and their stories of victory. Positivity is hard when everything is muddled within and ticking like a time bomb; when food starts to lose it’s flavor; you cannot feel the wind; or, your muscles feel weak although you’ve done nothing but lay down all day. So I hope to not bring some sort of toxic positive message, as some have within the Christian communities, but to dig into my own experience and others to bring a biblical perspective on living life to it’s utmost fullness despite “thorns in the flesh”.

This blog will also operate as a mode of accountability for me to continue going to see my therapist and get to a better place. There are too many great things ahead for me to submit fully to this.

The other night, my boyfriend and I were having a discussion about peace. I asked him what it meant, and to my surprise he said “violence”. A violent act – strong and powerful force – needs to happen to attain peace, and by this I mean a godly peace – not feigned ignorance, but completeness, shalom. And confidence. I am set out to explore what this violent act(s) needs to occur in my story.

I also am going to post my art, music, and resources acquired. I also want to collect the art and music or you out there who have funneled all your experience with mental health into art. If you have art or music that you want to share, please send it to me by emailing contactanxiousanne@gmail.com .