I have reached a new phase of my mental health journey.

A year ago, I was just beginning to experience new levels of anxiety, and what I can now see as Relationship OCD and Scrupulosity.

I was always getting triggered and my mind descending into chaos. Not being able to relax and be alone anymore. Eventually, from the moment I woke up I was attacked mercilessly with intrusive thoughts, and sometimes I was up in the night panicking at fake threats or possibilities.

Now, I am… well, bored. And I have never been more happy to be so.

I say bored because my mind spent an entire year – 2019 was a dark year – with obsessive thoughts that eventually gave way to compulsions, which fueled high anxiety from dawn until dusk.

Now,  my mind is unfamiliar and clear.

Through lots of work with my therapist (I found someone who specializes in what I needed; I recommend this if you can find one); joined an online course and community focusing on Relationship OCD (Check out Awaken Into Love here); worked for reconciliation in relationship that needed repairing; resolving some of my anger and disappointment towards God; tending to my dilapidated physical health; seeking out various literature and resources; and leaning hard on my loved ones… As a result, I have experienced levels of mental boredom and healthy emotional regulation that I don’t think I have before.

When I say I’m happy, it doesn’t mean I’ve found some crazy enlightenment in anything I’ve done, per se. I just am more WHOLE. I have grace towards myself when I fail, get anxious, give into a compulsion, or regress. Therefore, I am able to be more understanding towards others as well.

I am doing the work. I am able to decide which thoughts to entertain, let be, or reject as ridiculous.

I am able to feel awful, sad, or even depressed without it having to mean something huge. And, for me, I haven’t been this happy in a long time- happy because I am taking charge of my life by controlling what I can and letting go of what I can’t. My trust in God is growing as I see how he takes care of me when I let Him.

I have been able to set boundaries with people- I can decide how I am to be treated and what I won’t tolerate. This doesn’t mean I reject the other person, it can actually safeguard and improve a relationship/friendship.

I still deal with anxiety, but am managing it significantly better than even 2 months ago.

I will probably turn my focus for Anxious Anne outwards more, since I have more mental capacity to do so. I want to do more features, interviews, and articles relating to mental health, art, and faith.

Let’s see where this goes!

-Anxious Anne

Music featured:

I created a strings cover of a favorite song called “Take Heart” by Hillsong-