Anxious Anne

If you haven’t yet read it, please read my interview and art showcase with my friend and artist Hannah Carson- Interview: “When Her Eyes Grew In” Art Series by Hannah Carson

I have lived in ignorance of the effects of the quarantine on my life…

We are reaching week number six of the mandated social distancing disorder. I am truly starting to feel it. Even though I am more fortunate than some, with more of a structure to my life, still. I feel like I am floating through life these days. I have this image of a grand, celestial calendar and I am just floating through the weeks and days, inertia carrying me forward.

At first, as an introvert, I enjoyed the lack of social pressure to go do certain things. My social energy didn’t have to be spread as thin and I could just focus on a very small group of people.

However, about three weeks in, I started to ruminate on different thoughts- usually relating to people in my life whose life has been affected by the social distancing. Next, someone who had been a fixture in my near daily life for the last couple of years died suddenly.

The sudden death mixed with the uncertainty of the quarantine and it’s compounding effect on my and other people’s progress in life started to wear away at my confidence and my ease.

Certain compulsions have come back- some trite ones being eating more dessert and watch TV to emotionally cope, but some more detrimental. I am pretty sure some of us can relate.

There have been some positive effects, too. I have had more opportunities to learn some valuable skills that are pluses as an artist/musician in this digital age. I have had time to attend to some to do list items and finally purchase a shag rug to cover my cheap, thin carpeted floors. I have developed wonderful evening stretching and physical therapy routines. I have also spent some quality time with my roommates and we have bonded in ways we never could have without the quarantine.

My mind is buzzing as the end of the social order (well, who knows if it will be the end) is fast approaching. This will not only mark the end of a very difficult yet enlightening period, but also the beginning of an EVEN MORE uncertain period where anything can happen. The virus could come back. We may see our life very slowly returning to normal, or NEVER returning to normal. Actions long planned could dissolve, adapt, or be completely replaced.

I will say I am grateful for the things I’ve learned. But my mind is starting to build up with all sorts of thoughts and feelings – feeding the anxieties – and is weighing me down and causing my neck to hurt. I am ready for gravity to come back and these thoughts, plans, and intents to be able to move forward.

In the meantime, someone, decapitate me, please.

-Anxious Anne