Month: March 2020

Both the Best and Worst of News

March 11, 2020

Perfection. Perfection. Smlurflection.

The pursuit of this has been the bane of my existence- perfect hobbies, perfect friends, perfect boyfriend, perfect career, perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect health, perfect relationship with God…

Image result for boston ivy inside building

I now know that what I thought was just simply a sense of self-righteousness (which is true!), grew into something more; an obsession. Anxiety and OCD that became my companions in these pursuits: faithful, pushing me towards what I deemed as excellence, making me feel in control, making promises that perfection was just around the corner… they began to grow like thick Boston Ivy, climbing on their own accord as I gave them space upon the walls of my psyche. Soon they penetrated through the windows and intertwined throughout every room and hall. The foliage seemed to whisper, accuse, and call to me as I walked the halls.

Try harder.

You failed there.

Give up.

Protect yourself.

It’s too hard.

They’ll reject you anyways.

You aren’t good enough, yet.

God won’t love you if you do that.

God is going to punish you.

Forget sleep, you need to figure this out.

It’s hopeless.

You’re hopeless.

Image result for ocd brain art
Art from VICE article: “The Many Obsessions That Can Haunt a Person With OCD” by Shayla Love (contains offensive or explicit material)

Truly, this worked for years. Everything to compromise this perception of my achievement and goodness was hidden away neatly, only making it onto pages of my tear-stained diaries, but often just remaining in my mind to slowly eat away at me.

It wasn’t until I realized this hiding, and started to meet true friends that both supported and challenged me – prying off my facades with tough love – that things started to unravel.

Some of the hardest news for someone suffering from OCD and Anxiety to hear is this: you are a sinner.

Sure, I have heard this my whole life as I sat devoutly Sunday after Sunday, notebook in hand. However, in retrospect, I believe I was jumping through hoop after hoop to escape this reality, to somehow level up through my own striving to earn God’s good graces, and by approval of others, to signify my righteousness, worth, and feel one step closer to perfection.

Image result for the awkward yeti anxiety
The Awkward Yeti comics never fail haha

You are a sinner. Is this an accusation? What should I do with this? This is BAD NEWS. This means I will never reach perfection no matter how hard I grasp, and thrash, and obsess.

You are a sinner. Why must I carry this burden? What hope is there for me, then? Why try if this will always be branded on my forehead?

You are a sinner. No… this would mean that I can’t do anything for myself. That I can’t be my own hope, or other people can’t either. This would mean I am vulnerable, will be hurt or hurt others…

You are a sinner, but… but, what? If You are good, what possible goodness could come out of You creating me to fail? What good am I? I can achieve nothing? Life is meaningless if life means pain!

You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. Okay, why would the God of all the universe endure pain, suffering, and the temptations and pitfalls of humanness just to die for failures like us? Couldn’t he just clap his hands and set things in place? Why did he give us choice? Why did he take up our burdens?

You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. You are no longer a slave to that sin. Okay, then why do I still get to “easily entangled” in it- my pride, strife, and apathy? Am I, then, creating the shackles that bind me to the crushing weight of failure? You say I am free now. What can it mean to be both sinner and free? Do you hold the key to unlock those layers upon layers upon layers of shackles?

Image result for shackled feet ball and chain

You are a sinner, but Christ died for the sins of men. You are no longer a slave to that sin. My yolk is easy and my burden light. Well, if you say you hold to key to set me free, I guess that would be an easier burden, even though I still live with pain throughout my life. If I am first a sinner and in need of your unlocking the shackles off that sin daily, then I will give you that task. I relinquish that control because it’s too weighty and it’s crushing me. I suppose this is what us humans chose from the beginning – choosing to strive for god-like perfection although we are simply creatures. If you want to take it, then I won’t stop you.

Okay, I am a sinner.

I am a sinner.

I am a sinner, but…

I am a sinner, but Christ died for those sins and I am no longer a slave to them.

This still isn’t good news, it means I must learn to cope with my sinfulness aside from the voices of accusation that OCD and Anxiety has provided – a sort of comfort – for years. This will take time to unravel, cut, and uproot the raging Ivy.

But, I guess this is good news… the voices of accusation hold no weight if I remember that I am, indeed, a sinner, but God sought to end the disparity that comes with that identity, and eventually obliterate it. Truly a weight has lifted. But what do I do with all of this empty space in my brain?

quiet technique
From https://www.netcredit.com/blog/visualization-techniques-calm-anxious-mind/
After the anxiety clears, I’m like what do I do now? haha

There is no whip cracking to move me along, only kind and merciful direction from God and his Word. Anxiety tries to show up to help me along with decisions, but now I don’t need it anymore…

How do I function without perfection as my goal? How do I function without only relying on myself? This would mean I am truly helpless alone, and would need to rely on others and God to move me through life. I suppose this isn’t a bad thing, but it would require me to relinquish that control, and self-righteous attitude, and be vulnerable before others and trusting of God. This is scary and this is new; but, having the burden of my pride and self-protection has been overwhelming and has broken my mind. I am ready to give it up.

Truly, this is the BEST and WORST of news.

Image result for his yoke is easy art
“My yoke is easy & my burden is light” Original oil painting by Katie Humphress- original location click here

Lord, help me, a sinner.

-Bethany

Featured song recommended by upcoming interviewee, Hannah Carson! Stay tuned for the interview being published here NEXT WEEK!

An Illusory Leap

March 3, 2020

I am really good at coming up with ideas. As a small child, I would fill notebooks with drawings of ideas for clothing, brands, inventions, novel plots, and new worlds. However, nothing really came of any of any of those ideas, I simply kept them in the notebook all shut up. They began to collect dust on the shelf.

I do remember one instance where one of my weird, but complex ideas was put to use. It was seventh or eighth grade, and as a part of a history project, we were to create our own country with it’s own language. I dusted off one of those notebooks within which I had created a people and language, called Navi. (This was way before Avatar came out, so I have concluded my idea stolen hahaha; JK, it never saw light of day from it’s inception at 8 years old until middle school). It was really just a code I had created during my spy phase in late childhood. I even wrote in it fluently in my journals so no one could read my inner most thoughts. I proudly, yet somewhat shyly presented my country. Although everyone was impressed at the detail, of course, it wasn’t as significant as in my eyes. After that, however, the language and thought was less special in my eyes because it was no longer secret. It was no longer my secret little language. I don’t know what there is to that story… maybe just that I have been reluctant to bring my ideas to fruition because I want them to stay ideal – a perfect image in my mind, untainted by reality.

I feel like so many times, I have reached the edge of that new venture, where there was a lot of uncertainty, pumped up with ideas and strategies, and yet something like this happens:

I thought of this clip when I started formulating this blog post in my head. So that anxiety that Mr. Bean felt, and the feeling of everyone watching, is usually something I face when I want to try a new thing that I know will take a lot of courage, persistence, and time. I gleefully see the opportunity and walk up with a sense of excitement; but, once I reach the top and see the view from there, every attempt to leap seems to fail. This new opportunity becomes an illusion, yet I feel I can’t return to where I was… so where to go but nowhere. At least I know what that looks like.

I realize that one does not have to deal with anxiety or the like to experience this. Most people do at some point. However, I have seen this as a trend in my life and it has grown in that sometimes I dread and am anxious to do simple things if they haven’t been done before.

Most of the human population live within the bubble of the familiar, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily if you are one who prefers that predictability. Those dependable, seemingly predictable people are probably needed in society. However, I am not one of those people who long for that predictability. I want adventure and I want to be challenged. The anxiety and OCD that I have dealt with – usually keeping me from taking risks or trying to make things perfect before I risk – really has strangled that inborn desire for adventure. I have missed so many opportunities because I wanted to sit back where it was safe or where I didn’t need to be pushed or anything really expected of me. I didn’t want to fail because failure meant becoming vulnerable.

Photo from wandering around in Japan. Traveling to Japan alone was one of the biggest risks I have taken thus far!

There are some things that I realize are beginning to bite me back. I was a very good student throughout my whole life. However, what I thought was a love for learning many times was a desire for validation from my teacher and peers for the marks I received. I was working to get that grade, rather than simply enjoy the material, and take risks in the ideas and questions I put forth. I only raised my hand when I thought my comment or question was perfect, rather than because I was genuinely curious and didn’t care to look a fool. I think near the end of college, I started taking more risks in my essays, and that was when I started failing epically for the first time.

I did take some risks, but usually they were more calculated and safe than one might think. I am not being hard on myself, I think this is all just a part of growth for my story. I am just starting to notice these parts of me that need to wake up if I want to live the kind of life I want to and make the impact I desire.

As I started getting treatment through therapy starting back in 2017, I noticed my ability to have courage and take risks started to increase incrementally. After I emerged from a sort of cocoon phase, I started sharing my music to the public for the first time and doing shows. However, hardship hit again and I seemingly shrunk back into the cocoon.

I have always thought of that as negative. Now, as I am thinking about that analogy, this is not a bad thing. Shrinking back into the cocoon can be seen as a new opportunity to evolve, develop, and grow into something even more beautiful and great. I may not be leaping wildly off into the unknown at present, but I am busy honing in on what needs growth while inside my cocoon. I am at a restful, yet busy phase while in this cocoon.

Thank you for reading this stream-of-thought style post!

-Bethany

Song feature- “What If?” by Coldplay